Tag Archives: thoughts

What if?

Life is beautiful in every way. Only when we get to experience pain – we taste the euphoria of the few blissful moments. I have been a believer that everything is connected for a long time, however, getting to experience that firsthand in overwhelming – Gigantic.

Sometimes I wonder how do I still manage to value life. After all, I used to struggle with the idea of taking my life since I was a child… this life to be precise – and dive into a new world of possibilities, discoveries, and answers.  I always ask myself where does this strength come from?! Lately, I discovered it is faith. Not faith in an entity, religion or a human being. It is much bigger than this, I am not sure my human vocabulary can describe this but for now, I would say the universe.

I learned that our demons accompany us, you can never really defeat them but you can accept them, give into your past and let go. Accept what happened and what will happen in this journey called – life. Afterall, demons are nothing but voices from the past that once called for help, scared of the unknown, scared from every new page, scared that the new skin would be hewed over and over again.

I discovered that pain is not hard as joy when you survive in a world of distortion, it is very hard almost impossible to accept a new chapter of happiness, simplicity, and bliss. Be wary of fooling yourself, be wary of being too locked in pain that you miss the taste of happiness. Accept that life is a series of evolutions and only a few manage to pass every stage and fell their existence with peacefulness and serenity.

Sometimes fighting your demons takes nothing but holding your demons close and as you tear-up, you hear yourself whispering “I know”. The beauty of life is not only bliss, the beauty of life is everything. The colors of joy, the melodies of pain and sensations of fear. They all intertwine to create a bigger, fresh meaning.

If you are lost, pained or paralyzed, remember that life is BEAUTIFUL. It just takes some time to unfold your eyes and witness the beauty.

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Artwork by Catrin Welz-Stein

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PARADOX

I love full moon nights. I believe that myths about werewolves, witches, vampires, and whatever is connected to full moon have origins. When I was a child, I used to leave my  bed and wander in the balcony, longing to catch proof; an ounce of spark that would satisfy my vivid – almost realistic imagination. Ironically, I was a very skeptical child, I questioned anything and everything, too curious that I forced my parents to answer my questions bluntly & avoid me. However, when it comes to myths, what’s far and beyond the invisible, I was welling to reach horizon for facts. I never questioned that reality, I was just seeking origins.

I remember every-time I traveled with my family, I would sneak at nights, run to the beach and stare at the waves until sunrise. That’s only when I felt/feel alive. Something about the unknown attracts me, like unearthly magnet. I wonder if my humble existence is naturally attracted to this miraculous force – opposites attract anyway BUT not everyone is enchanted by that.

Now, as I am an official adult, I remain longing for the other realms. However, I discovered that on this insignificant chaotic planet there are also magical forces – invisible, terrifying, bittersweet, strong yet vulnerable….. Forces that can give you everything and take them back in an eye blink. Moments are the absolute definition of PARADOX, they could be boring, draining, long OR magical, short and euphoric. Sometimes I wonder if time travel or dancing through dimensions actually happens during these moments!

I feel that when time and love collide, the human definition of time becomes irrelevant. We simply transcend during few seconds that all the surroundings start to vanish smoothly until everything is blurred yet beautiful, a state of art where feelings takes a physical form and colors are felt not only seen. Time is no longer relevant, you think ten seconds pass in hours and days are not enough..

Exploring our Five senses become addictive, we want to try everything all over again. However, everything is new… Senses change to a spontaneous  uncontrollable power. Mind, body and soul unite and transforms to a new fresh being…

Restrictions, moral codes, man-made traditions vanishes in the process.

Full moon nights are indeed mythical – in my reality, masquerades fell, I got lost in time and space, and the unsaid erupted like rainbows.

That moment we were magic.

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Melodies of myself…

– I still remember that day when words remained unsaid, when soul-aches pushed me apart like tornado, when my life changed and the roller-coaster ceased to define me. But I am fine… I can still swing in my personal opera, paint smiles out of sea waves, dance naked under the cold rain and breathe in silver moonlights.

Thoughts are like snakes tangling everything I am.  Reality is intertwined with fantasy. I can no longer recognize myself or my dreams or what I am longing for…. I am lifeless, numb and ruined. Feelings are so huge that I am unable to create a coherent statement or explain how I feel.  I wonder if tomorrow I can just vanish, disappear in existence like a forgotten feather that once witnessed remarkable moments and history through its flying journey.

But I am alive… I am alive even if surviving murders every ounce of my existence, I am alive even if memories are collection of razor blades torn my emotions, bleed and dance in my chaotic mind… my mind … my bitter sweet circus.

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Diabolique Chronicles – The Art of Being Me

You don’t know me – a statement that should be remembered over and over again, for ego blinds intuition and lust haunts your passion…

Liberty is what defines me, I remain a body seeking to intertwine with its soul, lost in my vision and aiming to reach horizon.

Love equates complexity, for giving in is almost impossible and mistaken compromise with submission blocks me. How can a she wolf turns submissive.

Passion might be my ultimate gift for you until you take it for granted – I disappear, for I am the girl who longs for solitude and loses herself in serenity.

Don’t count on nostalgia, for my black box of memories is occupied with one star, a star that went apart long ago, but it remains craved in my heart and soul.

Beware from oblivion, for I have mastered the art of Oblivion.

Angelique (Angelic)  I am with all my body, mind and soul BUT Diabolique (Diabolic)  remains accompanying me, I am the extreme double faces, and when you provoke the borders of my mind, I flip.

Don’t be blinded by your strong masquerade, for the rebel could see through you, embraced and accepted you, and as you ceased to chain her.. She escaped and will continue haunting you.

I lied there charmed momentarily –  my mistaken love…

Unjust_Freedom_by_Faei

Unjust Freedom by Faei


Shadows

Diabolic they called her

A Vigorous they see her

For the truth is unbearable

For what she feels is despicable

There a path that I know

Where voices haunt me like a crow

For the diaspora, I acquaint called life

For the melodies, I sense and dwell alive

There is a word I yearn for

Hard for what you may know

For they taught me

That seeking my trust is wearing

I am on the borders of deformed mind

I am on the edge and colorblind

I lay down restless and faithless

Longing to let you hear this

Yet memories manifest

Where all my all is risked

So darling breath me in

Hide me within

Let me close my eyes

And chant your lullaby tonight

Unknown Artist

Unknown Artist


Sinful Virtue IV

” I chose to remain tangled.. For a while.. Because it’s me and only me who controls the complex ropes of my unconditional freedom, and no one shall take the lead.. No one. I refuse to compromise my freedom, my beliefs and above all my passion” She said with vigorous tone.. Yet a fragile soul hidden behind the dark shadows of her heart.

” You always cease to find.. or create an excuse to escape. You wear a very professional mask of strength. Don’t be frightened, it’s an enormous act, no one shall see through it, I know how weak you are because I am your male version.” Her best friend answered..

” I am not weak, I choose when to join the brutal game and when to leave, and darling I can leave anytime.. I just did” She replied..

” Diabolique…. You are weak because you vanish as soon as you start getting attached!” He replied..

“Darling I refuse to be attached to people, places, and even countries..” She responded..

“Exactly taking the risk of attachment needs power, enough strength to handle attachment and loss” He replied…

” My male version or my alter ego!”

she answered and suddenly became speechless, she knew that heartache is the only thing she can’t afford, but she also worships freedom and solitude, floating with the wind and dancing with the hurricane are the only realities that satisfies her. She is a free soul, destined to wander in the universe and explore the smallest details.

Once upon a time she gave in to love, she compromised her freedom only once.. She left scars on his soul and he left immortal questions, but as much as the questions torn her apart, and the soul ache that might be relieved with closure, she finds pleasure in the rummage journey; for it satisfies her incomplete existence.

She dances in the rain, tastes lust and sings silent. His poison haunts her, but she is free… She is Diabolique, heart and soul.

To be continued………

Diabolique.

Diabolique.


Revolution went personal… So be it!

This is one of the few times I decide to confront myself with many issues that I choose to ignore, trying to be “positive”-trying to be the girl “I used to be”-the one who would move around making everyone smile, regardless of her own personal struggle. Honestly, at this point I could smoothly disconnect from my pain and enjoy every beautiful moment with my buddies.

Almost 4 years ago my life was completely different, quite simple. I was the same outgoing crazy eccentric girl,who was looking deeply in despair for a closure, but she could just shine and smile regardless, isolate her pain deeply, making it unseen. I went to the square and joined the crowd, I never thought that this experience would change everything I am-the way I look to humans, the way I accept universe. 

My mother advised me a lot that joining the protests is not good for my mental state, not to mention being close to death.. However, I thought I am finally doing something.. I have passion for a bigger cause, as if all the personal goals were stripped out of my mind. The world finally made sense, and through all these crazy events and clashes, BLOOD AND DEATH, I finally got my closure, the questions that was graved in my heart years ago, are finally answered. Ironically, at this time it didn’t seem as important as it seemed before, seeing his face and looking into his deep blue eyes didn’t ache as I thought it would, maybe, because I was actually getting ready to go to the streets and join a protest, my mind was occupied with tear gas and live ammunition that talking to him after 2 and half years of searching in despair didn’t make any difference. Eventually, I got to answer a question he asked before “Could I make it on my own?” my answer was “Hell yes!”

Having said all of that and without digging deeper in the days of the lost revolution, this morning I found out that revolution is certainly a personal event, I am not the same person I used to be, and I truly miss that cheerful shiny girl and through my continuous trials to get her back, I end up stuck between the girl before January 25th 2011, and the girl I am today. My desires and aspirations remain the same on a personal level, but what happens everyday on a universal level makes me uncertain that anything can ever go right. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and cease every moment I had.. I wish it was easier to accept and believe that man-made traditions, religions and borders would eventually put as apart. I come to confess that your insecure dilemma is not different from mine.

To believe that being perfectionist is another mental struggle, to believe that going on and off from craziness don’t help. To accept that I will never be the same girl I used to be, and how can I after all these flashbacks of blood shed, betrayal and violence. Maybe I should let go of our secret shame, maybe I should relax and say “it’s OK” other than destroying myself. As I am writing this vague stories, I know you will only understand and relate, and we will remain silent. 

“This is the end, behind the corner he is watching solely, breathing her well being like a loath of the purest oxygen. On her land she still longs for a girl she used to be, connected to their memories and lost in their presence, not only for love but for when she was truly herself.” 

It’s endless secret addiction. 

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