Haven’t been able to write for quite sometime, here I am trying to make the conflict in my mind sound coherent. Due to unfortunate sequence of unrelated irrelevant events, my mind, body and soul transferred into a numb state. I can never guarantee happiness or satisfaction out of my continuous efforts to write-photograph- paint as if my body is revolting against me. To be honest, If I was my body, I would have revolted long time ago. For a borderline like me, I live in a continuous mental roller-coaster; I learnt to accept my eternal struggle and admire the beauty of being super moody. However, with BPD prices and sacrifices are due.
I have always pretended to be quite humble, and I wore a mask of insecurity, regardless, my real insecurities are craved within and one person miles and miles away had deeply understood (which translates my unfinished attachment to a teenage dream)
Frankly, I admire myself and everything I am, for my chaos made me distinct, stubborn and hungry for more knowledge, and through my continuous journey of diving through my existence, with brutal honesty I unintentionally hurt people that join my path momentarily. Quoting from a dear old friend and potential muse (Your honesty scares them off, especially when everyone around is pretending). Ironically, he was shattered with my brutal honesty someday,and I was crowned the queen of pushing away unconditional butterflies.
Last but not least, I am aware of my extreme insanity, narcissism and chaotic existence. Regardless, I am simply a human, why so serious!
Photo-illustration by Andree Kahlmorgan
I don’t know where to start…. Unlike many people in the universe, your existence concerns me. I am confused about the main reason of my curiosity, maybe the spiritual side of me distracts my thoughts, or maybe I cannot afford getting disappointed if after life ends up to be a lie… We live our lives without a real target, we are humans, we never get fully satisfied.
As you know religions became a tool to categorize people, I wonder why did you create all these religions; the ones who are considered to be holy and the new age religions-not to mention the pagan religions. The current life does not make any sense, I keep seeking for a solution to the chaotic universe; where people crave for immortality and claim to be humane. We are not saints, yet it confuses me how people cease to justify their lustful sins. Are we meant to survive for lust? Are we meant to ignore instinct to be so-called purified?!
The funny truth is that those who are genuinely purified, those who stand for mere humane morals; are the ones who suffer. The young die for beliefs & the ugly old elites control everything. Your world is contradictive, A spot for hunger and a spot for unjustified greed. A child is raped, and a stripper is respected (Dare to watch but never touch).
Disasters don’t surprise me anymore, the universe became explicit. Minority seeks a real change, but who will guarantee that the minority will remain true to themselves. Can you guarantee that spotlights and fame won’t change them, can you guarantee that the oppressed won’t be dictators.
I am scared to believe in your existence, because if I do; I won’t find answers to these questions. It does not matter anyway, because the only truth I know is that whether you exist or not, something is extremely wrong with this world…..
TO BE CONTINUED………….