Tag Archives: life


What is the purpose of our existence if we can’t be true to ourselves?! Are we created to be made – or just to be?

The answers have always been simple, it’s the quest that determines our strength and persistence. It takes courage to remain loyal to yourself and avoid man-made distortions. Living in the Middle-east is uneasy and being a female who happened to be different makes it worse. Choosing to be true to yourself is SUICIDAL.

Over time everything changes. You get to learn that traditions are volatile. Self-discovery is essential, challenging society and questioning dogma are the noblest acts. Nevertheless, it is not an easy journey. The cattle will stand out to you, vilify and attack you. They will delude you to believe that there is no choice and that we are merely owned.  The path to enlightenment is loaded with thorns, but what is bliss if not for the struggle.

We rant and whine “Life is cruel” but life has disowned us long ago. Life is not to blame, it’s what we made out of life.

They established laws to mold societies and shape future. It is your choice, will you lose yourself to conformity or seize your liberty?

Limits are an illusion, our strength is infinite and freedom lies in resistance.

Don’t respect the status quo.


Artwork by unknown artist.


I love full moon nights. I believe that myths about werewolves, witches, vampires, and whatever is connected to full moon have origins. When I was a child, I used to leave my  bed and wander in the balcony, longing to catch proof; an ounce of spark that would satisfy my vivid – almost realistic imagination. Ironically, I was a very skeptical child, I questioned anything and everything, too curious that I forced my parents to answer my questions bluntly & avoid me. However, when it comes to myths, what’s far and beyond the invisible, I was welling to reach horizon for facts. I never questioned that reality, I was just seeking origins.

I remember every-time I traveled with my family, I would sneak at nights, run to the beach and stare at the waves until sunrise. That’s only when I felt/feel alive. Something about the unknown attracts me, like unearthly magnet. I wonder if my humble existence is naturally attracted to this miraculous force – opposites attract anyway BUT not everyone is enchanted by that.

Now, as I am an official adult, I remain longing for the other realms. However, I discovered that on this insignificant chaotic planet there are also magical forces – invisible, terrifying, bittersweet, strong yet vulnerable….. Forces that can give you everything and take them back in an eye blink. Moments are the absolute definition of PARADOX, they could be boring, draining, long OR magical, short and euphoric. Sometimes I wonder if time travel or dancing through dimensions actually happens during these moments!

I feel that when time and love collide, the human definition of time becomes irrelevant. We simply transcend during few seconds that all the surroundings start to vanish smoothly until everything is blurred yet beautiful, a state of art where feelings takes a physical form and colors are felt not only seen. Time is no longer relevant, you think ten seconds pass in hours and days are not enough..

Exploring our Five senses become addictive, we want to try everything all over again. However, everything is new… Senses change to a spontaneous  uncontrollable power. Mind, body and soul unite and transforms to a new fresh being…

Restrictions, moral codes, man-made traditions vanishes in the process.

Full moon nights are indeed mythical – in my reality, masquerades fell, I got lost in time and space, and the unsaid erupted like rainbows.

That moment we were magic.


The Art of Letting Go!

My Godmother told me “I keep the good and try to forget the bad”.. She triggered intense memories in an eye blink, and as soon as I opened up, she quoted from her Grandfather, one of the most profound and intense words I ever came across…


I have been trying to master the art of letting go for over 10 years, and I have got to say it neither voluble nor sensible. it is a combination of holding onto the beauty of passion, the unforgotten irresolute memories, the awakening touch AND futile reality.. It’s a contradict, yet mastering THE ART OF LETTING GO is a beautiful paradox.

It’s about letting go of possibilities and holding onto memories. Facing yourself with a sad grin and screaming out “They are not here anymore and I SHOULD MOVE ON

In my life, I was lucky enough to encounter two stars…

THE FIRST STAR is my father, the one who ignited everything I am today. I was blessed to have a father like him, a rare soul and very unique person, too unique to be found in Middle Eastern societies. He taught me everything, how to communicate with universe, how to cherish the short moments, how to write, paint and smile and above all HOW TO READ LIFE, HOW TO BECOME WHO I AM, AND HOW TO STICK TO MY MORALS. I lost him when I was 14, and I went through a series of misfortunes, terrifying moments that are still unspoken. Believe it or not, I was damned for years in the circle of possibilities, the lack of reaching out to the world because he was my only mean to see everything clearly, he was my ultimate heavenly gift.

THE SECOND STAR I would call OBSCURE not for what he is, but for how we crossed each other’s’ path. It was that very moment when everything sounds like a miracle, when time, place and space vanished for us to meet. Regardless of distance, man-made differences, fears and insecurities – he reached out for my soul when all what they saw was my body, he made me transparent when I was made of MASQUERADES. He loved who I am, what I am and how I will be… How I become today. Ironically, I paid a very expensive price to reach where I am today and to witness my dreams coming true in an eye blink. I lost him for me to learn HOW TO LET GO. TO BECOME WHO I AM TODAY. The person he always believed in, when I was too blinded and couldn’t identify my value. They say that soul mates are meant to open doors in our lives, but not to stay with us. If that’s true, then I experiences a miracle. I am lucky.

ON YOUR EFFORTS OF LETTING GO remember two highly important things, don’t compare and remember that stars are incomparable…. GIVE UP possibilities.

Don’t be ashamed of NOSTALGIA, don’t be afraid to run onto your SHIELD OF MEMORIES whenever you are close to surrender. For it keeps you strong and urges you to continue.

Don’t LISTEN to people who keep saying over and over again MOVE ON, you have to move on by yourself and as hard as this might be, no one can help you out and you will always listen to your soul. Just be ready and remember that you are BLESSED for encountering stars.

LET GO of possibilities, it is intense, hard, aching and almost unbearable. However, for a moment take a breath and give in to life. be certain that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON and what’s meant to be will be.

ACCEPT YOUR TENDANCIES and praise them, we are meant to struggle and when you are saddened and hurt, remember that you are ALIVE.

HOLD ONTO life, love and hope. You are capable of loving still, as long as you breathe, you can love, don’t block your passion. I learned it the hard way, but I did.. I put my shields down and regardless of anything, I encountered precious moments.

DANCE, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SENSE THE FRESH BREEZE  whenever you are about to fall on your knees, YOU ARE ALIVE.

NO REGRETS, don’t ever regret of having faith in a false person, remember their few sincere moments and if they had none. Be certain that people get to our lives for a reason, an experience to make us stronger… Maybe to support you to give in… If they were pretentious, you were authentic and YOU ARE THE PRIORITY. 

PRAISE CIRCUMSTANCES and cherish passion.

Last but not least, LETTING GO IS NOT TO FORGOT. it is to remember and cherish deep memories and smile. TO BE FREE.

Art By Emma Fay

Art By Emma Fay

50 Shades to Escape….

While some might think that this is an attempt to justify my escape syndrome, I came to write a personal manifesto.. A statement for all of us who are tired of explaining the do’s and don’t’s.. The reasons and justifications of running away.

When I was 14 years old, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and without going further with the null description. Let me state an intense symptom that we all “humans” experience by different levels – FEAR OF LOSS/ABANDONMENT. Who dares NOT to say that somewhere on the back of our mind we are scared of losing those very few persons we cherish, we love and constantly long for.. Believe it or not we “women” do experiment and exercise the worst fear episodes, even we were too independent and too tough to admit it. Having mentioned the first layer of running away, lets get the challenge started!

Why do I run away? Why do we run away?

1- We are scared of LOSS, this feeling of losing someone by any mean is unbearable. It’s too aching that war and destruction might feel easier. Because we hate this tears that refuse to come out of our eyes every night. Because some of us might not have the luxury of being exposed for a moment and life forces us to be strong and stand still regardless.

2- We might project a VULNERABLE image, yet we become obsessive with details once we are one step closer to attachment  and what arrogant people might not notice that when there are ambiguous question marks, and fishy actions. We might seek an authentic answer but once things become much unexplained… We simply bounce back.

3- Being CLOSE but not TOO CLOSE, some people demand everything at once, they want you to be there, and they push you to surrender in their battlefield. Yes, LOVE worth it, however, there is a fine line between love and infatuation that people fail to see. So darlings don’t blame yourself of being suffocated by the amount of possessiveness because real love is passion, not obsession.

4- MASKS, I always spoke of hypocrisy… Having said that, I have to confess that we all wear masks in many situations, but it differs from one person to another. I believe I might be competent to speak on behalf of women out there, most of the time it’s not masks, it is just SHIELDS. Because we are destined to protect ourselves from everything and everyone on daily basis. From a society that is not accepting how we are becoming, from traditions that categorized us as HOUSEWIVES and only housewives. From men who get angry by our success and independence. From men who get either turned on OR turned off by our strength. On the other hand, most of the men I met wear mask to IMPRESS, to PRETEND, and to POSSES. Unfortunately, they are unaware that women are gifted of figuring them out in less than 60 seconds. While some choose to stay, people like myself just leave, because I would appreciate honesty and compensate but I will never tolerate falling for a false persona.

5- OVERACTING… OVEREVERYTHING… Again we humans do overact one way or another, but come on! overacting over a spontaneous action that was perceived as “flirt” in your patriarchal dictionary?! against being authentic, breathing life, and getting lost in colors.. Too much of everything is skeptical at some point. Especially when it’s too early.

6- DISHONESTY, yes a single lie could ruin a great image, a projection of Mr. right would be transformed to Mr. what’s wrong?! OR what’s not wrong?! I am personally ALLERGIC to lies, and unfortunately I choose to be patient for a while, because first I am not perfect, I am much of eccentric, and second sometimes I take that as an insecure phase, the insecurities that society raised in all of us that somehow enforces people to lie. Yet, when lying breaks through your masks, because dishonesty is your daily due. I have to leave because I will never be able to do something about it.

7- DENIAL, and its global… We are either denying our own personal dilemmas or they are denying clear facts. Denial could indeed ruin a potential relationship, project, and even self-confrontation. It takes hell lot of strength and sanity to face our worst demons. Subsequently, since many of us have mastered the art of BRUTAL HONESTY and CONFRONTATION, we become pretty much sensitive to constant denial.

8- MANIPULATION, the worst fact about manipulation that many people may do that unintentionally, unfortunately, it might be derived from denial and insecurities. For some, it is also a pleasure, but beware sweethearts, because people like me will intentionally FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT right before leaving.

9- UNDERESTIMATION, while some of us might put a clear disclaimer on the very first date/discussion/conversation etc. to highlight inevitable facts, in hopes of working something out. Some people underestimate the reaction, and how would you snap intensely to the things you fucking mentioned at the very beginning. Ironically, they become surprised.. it is like DID YOU REALLY TAKE ME FOR GRANTED?! I am sorry to disappoint you.. Farewell.

10- MISINTERPRETATION, When they mistake your spontaneity for vice, your transparency for opacity, your lack of interest for hidden interest, your passion for potential possessiveness. This is when there is no way but leaving, because they obviously fell for what they want you to be, not who you really are.

               Enjoy who you truly are. Don’t be scared to put down your shield and take risks, when you ache, praise being alive. When you love, don’t regret the consequences regardless. Dance in the streets and breath in the universal music, taste the rain and LOVE YOURSELF even more. For life is precious and bittersweet. 

My dedication for those who will read my piece today is: Bittersweet symphony by the verve.

To be continued……………..

Unknown Artist.

Unknown Artist.

Letter to myself… Confessions II

Today started ‘ordinary’ with no single urge of doing anything, even work. I decided to watch a movie then maybe drawing; unfortunately I found out that I forgot my kit somewhere. As I am trying to fight my new demons that screams out ”life is pointless”.        I had a long conversation somewhere in my mind; trying to figure out who I really am.  Apparently its the remains of my egoistic rage towards September’s actions. I found out that seeking comfort comes with confronting yourself, however, we are not Saints, mistakes are meant to teach and improve us.

I have got to confess that I miss ” The old me ” when I used to be careless and spontaneous,  doing whatever I feel like doing with no further considerations. However, I am still satisfied with everything I encountered. ” Appreciate who you are and love yourself more ” I have been listening to this a lot lately, from friends who think I have gone too far recently by exposing myself to the wrong person. Nevertheless, what is life than dozens of wrong decisions that makes you everything you are..

What is love than millions of wrong choices until you fall in a chaotic place, that’s eventually meant to be your ultimate comfort zone.

What is happiness than beautiful memories that keeps us standing.

I love and appreciate everything I am, but there is a thread between self appreciation and narcissism, I am dealing with my egoistic dilemma already and I refuse to feed from narcissism.

__ And in the middle of that chaos, I discovered that I am in love with trees, I could stare at trees for hours, and paint each detail over and over again. I also found out that touching grass with my bare feet is quiet extraordinary. Eventually during my joyful lonesome I waited all day to lie on the grass, watch the stars; and listen to my favorite melodies with cig. in hand enjoying heavenly euphoric state.


Recipe to Smile_

‘ I am losing my mind ‘

My soul was screaming to awaken my senses as I was sitting on the boulevard at Down Town_ Cairo, after my sudden anger towards my best friend, without a significant reason.  I did not know what do I want to do, or where I want to go. I just wanted to sit on the boulevard in the middle of the crowded street staring at the horizon, and seeking a clear answer to my current unacceptable state.

It did not get any better afterwards, regardless of the effort of  my amazing friends who did their best to figure out what’s happening to me, or simply to make the big smile on my face real.

I woke up this morning trying to get myself busy with my work. I have got to confess the day passed smoothly. Few hours ago I decided to start facing myself- reacting to single voice in my mind.

 ‘ I should not end up being like this ‘

I convinced myself for quiet sometime that this depressive state is quiet normal; due to my Borderline personality disorder & the seasonal change which penetrates my mood. However, the truth is this time it’s only about me & my chaotic path.

Happiness never lasts – just like sadness, the real struggle is to balance both in order to live as life shines out of your skin,    & In order to balance I decided to create my personal recipe of happiness, and just like my favorite cocktail ‘The secret is balancing ingredients’ 

September’s life-full recipe__

  • Opening up in a way that I rarely do (As my ego holds a dagger in my face) VS. A random encounter that energizes and freshens my day.
  • Disappointment in few people as their true colors take over VS. Amazing friends that became a real family who handle everything I am.
  • Crucial judgment & lack of understand VS. A fragile special person who stands still to hold your hand
  • My mood swings which affect my work VS. After mood swings hang over that comes with creativity
  • Meaningless argue and meaningless fight VS. Cigarettes, music and fresh breeze on the highway with a great company

Eventually I realize that life is beautiful even if somehow behind the corner of my mind_ I know it might be pointless, Yet my mortal struggle is to make the upcoming years worth living. 





Lessons I have learned from the days of my life…

  • The transformation from denial to acceptance is much harder than empathy, and it is followed by beautiful and hard self-exploration journey.
  • The key for overcoming insecurities is accepting our natural born flaws and improving our behavior (Because society creates our behavior and we are capable of discovering our real values.)
  • The hardships in life might let you lose faith in everything and everyone but the simplest things can bring you endless hope.
  • Best friends are not the ones we meet every-day. On the contrary, they might be on the other part of the planet, too busy to meet you every week but they are there to support you, listen to you, confront you and push you forward.
  • Wake-up calls truly hurt, but what hurts the most is ignoring all the signs that hit you.  Start 2013 by cleaning up your life from negativity, from fake people and face your flaws, we are not perfect and life is hard, so if you cannot change yourself, try to improve your behavior….
  • I will always appreciate the one who supported me in the most critical moments in my life; I will always appreciate the continuous listen, support and care. Regardless of , the cravings of fate, insecure dilemmas and piercing sounds of society, I am thankful; I am making my dreams come true and I am invincible.
  • Although the traditional and predictable characters do not interest me much, someone managed to grab my attention and taught me to find beauty in simplicity.
  •  Conforming might sound easier than struggling for what you believe in, but it will only bring emptiness. Do not conform, break the rules and solve the eccentric equation.
  • Do not expect too much from people. However, those who are meant to see through you are over there; just be patient…
  • I Always appreciate the ones who inspire me as their pure spirit reflects imagination.
  • It’s astonishing how you can inspire people, and they inspire you back by ”quoting from you” the simplest things in life bring true happiness .
  • Appreciate people who makes you enjoy the simplest things (Like a break-up scene in the middle of people and laughing out loud for being very bad actors 😉 )
  • Enjoy the challenge of seeking beauty in ugliness, the satisfaction and peacefulness you will achieve at the end is extraordinary. colors

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