Tag Archives: Diaries

The Fading Art of Revolution

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale

“Breathe in life and breathe out distortion. Breathe out violence, blood, and pain. Breathe out flashbacks that are prone to destroy you.” I whisper to myself as I struggle to move from bed.

7 years have passed in an eye blink, however, I can no longer touch the euphoria I once intertwined with in Tahrir square. Those who struggle with depression are aware of dissociation. You space out suddenly, abandon your body, and get lost in time and space. Similar to an unpleasant astral projection experience.

I never thought that I would crave dissociating from the revolution! I wonder if I can hew my heart and my brain, and scrap those memories.

My body was once full of beautiful paintings of the Egyptian revolution. When the revolution failed, I thought it’s easy to scrap these paintings and turn my body into a clear canvas for new events that may come, a day of liberation when once again, I would summon hope. However, who am I fooling? Those memories, like blood, are dancing in my veins, I would eliminate my skin and they will remain to define everything I am.

What have we done? How dare we think of coloring the future? What was the spell that blinded us?

I can no longer remember the spirit, I can’t draw those sincere grins anymore. The faces of the knights are fading, the millions in the streets are turning into Silhouettes, and I am unable to hear those melodic chants… All that remains are corpses, bloodshed, funerals and solid faces of troops.

Blood, scars, screams, tear gas, screams again and again and again.

I torture myself, I overthink and overanalyze, I wonder why did I take off to the streets. I keep wondering if we, too have blood on our hands. Did we incite HOPE? Did we create an illusion? Is it the biggest humane victory or mistake? I am losing my mind, I am fighting with beasts. I hope I can cut my chest wide open and squeeze the heart that refuses to quit aching. However, even if I did, memories still run through my veins. Silent screams are eating me alive.

                                            Is there a place to buy their mundane?

Can I forge reality?

He threatens and says ” What happened 7 years ago, will never happen again.” with his brutal voice he says “I won’t allow it” My naive mind wonders if he knows what came upon us? Does he realize the scars you caused? Does he understand what we have witnessed?

Our dreams refuse to crossover. Our hopes are stabbing us, they refuse to leave, they refuse to quit. We are old weary souls stuck in youthful bodies. We are defeated but the voice of the revolution lingers on.

 

I look at you, Orion and I wonder if I am strong enough, I am deeply sorry, I wish I was born somewhere else. I wish you didn’t have to carry my pain. And even though I choose to fight this alone, my ultimate desire is not to have to fight at first place. I will be forever sorry for charming you with Egypt. I should have told you that this charm comes with a price. I should have screamed that loving Egypt is both, bliss and curse. I think of the day I will tell my daughter about the lost revolution and I pray to have the strength and reclaim the beautiful paintings that once colored Tahrir Square.

– I close my eyes, I hold your hand and pray for a wind of change –

Inhale..

Exhale..

Inhale..

Exhale…

“Beathe in Hope, breathe out grief. Breathe in victory, breathe out defeat.”

The Revolution Continues.

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Letter to myself… Confessions II

Today started ‘ordinary’ with no single urge of doing anything, even work. I decided to watch a movie then maybe drawing; unfortunately I found out that I forgot my kit somewhere. As I am trying to fight my new demons that screams out ”life is pointless”.        I had a long conversation somewhere in my mind; trying to figure out who I really am.  Apparently its the remains of my egoistic rage towards September’s actions. I found out that seeking comfort comes with confronting yourself, however, we are not Saints, mistakes are meant to teach and improve us.

I have got to confess that I miss ” The old me ” when I used to be careless and spontaneous,  doing whatever I feel like doing with no further considerations. However, I am still satisfied with everything I encountered. ” Appreciate who you are and love yourself more ” I have been listening to this a lot lately, from friends who think I have gone too far recently by exposing myself to the wrong person. Nevertheless, what is life than dozens of wrong decisions that makes you everything you are..

What is love than millions of wrong choices until you fall in a chaotic place, that’s eventually meant to be your ultimate comfort zone.

What is happiness than beautiful memories that keeps us standing.

I love and appreciate everything I am, but there is a thread between self appreciation and narcissism, I am dealing with my egoistic dilemma already and I refuse to feed from narcissism.

__ And in the middle of that chaos, I discovered that I am in love with trees, I could stare at trees for hours, and paint each detail over and over again. I also found out that touching grass with my bare feet is quiet extraordinary. Eventually during my joyful lonesome I waited all day to lie on the grass, watch the stars; and listen to my favorite melodies with cig. in hand enjoying heavenly euphoric state.

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Recipe to Smile_

‘ I am losing my mind ‘

My soul was screaming to awaken my senses as I was sitting on the boulevard at Down Town_ Cairo, after my sudden anger towards my best friend, without a significant reason.  I did not know what do I want to do, or where I want to go. I just wanted to sit on the boulevard in the middle of the crowded street staring at the horizon, and seeking a clear answer to my current unacceptable state.

It did not get any better afterwards, regardless of the effort of  my amazing friends who did their best to figure out what’s happening to me, or simply to make the big smile on my face real.

I woke up this morning trying to get myself busy with my work. I have got to confess the day passed smoothly. Few hours ago I decided to start facing myself- reacting to single voice in my mind.

 ‘ I should not end up being like this ‘

I convinced myself for quiet sometime that this depressive state is quiet normal; due to my Borderline personality disorder & the seasonal change which penetrates my mood. However, the truth is this time it’s only about me & my chaotic path.

Happiness never lasts – just like sadness, the real struggle is to balance both in order to live as life shines out of your skin,    & In order to balance I decided to create my personal recipe of happiness, and just like my favorite cocktail ‘The secret is balancing ingredients’ 

September’s life-full recipe__

  • Opening up in a way that I rarely do (As my ego holds a dagger in my face) VS. A random encounter that energizes and freshens my day.
  • Disappointment in few people as their true colors take over VS. Amazing friends that became a real family who handle everything I am.
  • Crucial judgment & lack of understand VS. A fragile special person who stands still to hold your hand
  • My mood swings which affect my work VS. After mood swings hang over that comes with creativity
  • Meaningless argue and meaningless fight VS. Cigarettes, music and fresh breeze on the highway with a great company

Eventually I realize that life is beautiful even if somehow behind the corner of my mind_ I know it might be pointless, Yet my mortal struggle is to make the upcoming years worth living. 

 

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