Tag Archives: Borderline

On the Borders of my Mind.

It is ironic how a slight attack could change everything. It’s uneasy to explain or make feelings coherent. After all, borderline personality disorder comes with bits and pieces from everything else. Sometimes anxiety, unexplained fears, and the worst of all DEPRESSION. BPD comes with its baggage, as if, we, humans need more burdens! The world is hard itself, surviving is an act of courage in the 21st century, what’s the point behind having unseen monster that carves out holes on our fragile existence. And no matter how much you fight, monitor those thoughts and plead….. Nothing leaves.

I remember few years ago when I took a challenging decision to quit medications, I knew its going to be uneasy ride in my emotional circus. But, today I would do it all over again, I would take the very same decisions. Because it helped me, when I browse online forums and read what people are saying about their experiences, I wonder if that could be me OR I am just another spectrum. I read words that I am completely unfamiliar with “Co-dependence, manipulation, emotional abuse” and I wonder if I have ever been like that, I wonder if my father’s death shaped the different case of borderline I came across. I isolated myself from the world and wrapped myself in darkness to be safe, I managed to learn dealing with my volatile mood. I confess I mastered manipulation, a skill I learned as a reaction to those who truly deserve it, however, at some point in my life I was done. I despised seeing myself getting dragged in the path branded by manipulation, that wasn’t me. I had to escape.

I learned to put myself in everyone’s shoes regardless, to forgive and accept an apology I will NEVER get. After all, I didn’t want to see a corrupted image of myself and use BPD as my ultimate scapegoat.

Now, I look back and process how did the past 5 years pass in an eye blink, where I am today and the price I paid…. A very expensive price and I am not sure if anything in the world is worth losing human being in the process.

I look back knowing that I am 200% stronger, capable of handling my past and controlling my demons… I know that every episode will eventually pass, every heartache will go, and while soul-ache remains; I am certain that life is bittersweet.

I wish I can simply explain everything to the people who care, but I can’t or won’t. I have to fight this battle alone, I am not used to have someone under my skin, I won’t put my guards down, or share my darkest moments. I remember a friend said that I tend to use grand wording, because my feelings are quite huge. He didn’t know that he defined me, I am larger than life.

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Unknown artist


Melodies of myself…

– I still remember that day when words remained unsaid, when soul-aches pushed me apart like tornado, when my life changed and the roller-coaster ceased to define me. But I am fine… I can still swing in my personal opera, paint smiles out of sea waves, dance naked under the cold rain and breathe in silver moonlights.

Thoughts are like snakes tangling everything I am.  Reality is intertwined with fantasy. I can no longer recognize myself or my dreams or what I am longing for…. I am lifeless, numb and ruined. Feelings are so huge that I am unable to create a coherent statement or explain how I feel.  I wonder if tomorrow I can just vanish, disappear in existence like a forgotten feather that once witnessed remarkable moments and history through its flying journey.

But I am alive… I am alive even if surviving murders every ounce of my existence, I am alive even if memories are collection of razor blades torn my emotions, bleed and dance in my chaotic mind… my mind … my bitter sweet circus.

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Diabolique Chronicles – The Art of Being Me

You don’t know me – a statement that should be remembered over and over again, for ego blinds intuition and lust haunts your passion…

Liberty is what defines me, I remain a body seeking to intertwine with its soul, lost in my vision and aiming to reach horizon.

Love equates complexity, for giving in is almost impossible and mistaken compromise with submission blocks me. How can a she wolf turns submissive.

Passion might be my ultimate gift for you until you take it for granted – I disappear, for I am the girl who longs for solitude and loses herself in serenity.

Don’t count on nostalgia, for my black box of memories is occupied with one star, a star that went apart long ago, but it remains craved in my heart and soul.

Beware from oblivion, for I have mastered the art of Oblivion.

Angelique (Angelic)  I am with all my body, mind and soul BUT Diabolique (Diabolic)  remains accompanying me, I am the extreme double faces, and when you provoke the borders of my mind, I flip.

Don’t be blinded by your strong masquerade, for the rebel could see through you, embraced and accepted you, and as you ceased to chain her.. She escaped and will continue haunting you.

I lied there charmed momentarily –  my mistaken love…

Unjust_Freedom_by_Faei

Unjust Freedom by Faei


Loving the Devil

A wise man told me once

Care what you wish for child…

I wanted chaos, circus and mere war

Passion equates the Helen of Troy

Mirror, Mirror – who am I?

Dear life, you are Diabolique in disguise

You are full of purity

But the monster hypnotized you

The irony, it is melancholic and true

For you who drowns him to you

For weakness, mesmerizes you two

Could you addict what you despise

Dancing with the devil surrendering in a glance

You are to be blamed

You admire the masquerades he claims

He can not break you

But you witnessed his falls

For he will struggle to

Posses

Destroy

And enjoy…

Wake up from your dreams

The sphere is not beautiful as it seems

Wake up and change the path

For the monster is Lucifer in disguise.

my_desire_by_archaia-d5kubu7


Shadows

Diabolic they called her

A Vigorous they see her

For the truth is unbearable

For what she feels is despicable

There a path that I know

Where voices haunt me like a crow

For the diaspora, I acquaint called life

For the melodies, I sense and dwell alive

There is a word I yearn for

Hard for what you may know

For they taught me

That seeking my trust is wearing

I am on the borders of deformed mind

I am on the edge and colorblind

I lay down restless and faithless

Longing to let you hear this

Yet memories manifest

Where all my all is risked

So darling breath me in

Hide me within

Let me close my eyes

And chant your lullaby tonight

Unknown Artist

Unknown Artist


Sinful Virtue V

She…. Diabolique was enjoying her wild isolation, when suddenly.. He, the man of infinite false pleasures, mingled her dominion. Yet, the wandering soul seized to entice him. A war of domination and isolation it is, he misinterpreted her simplicity for arrogance, her spontaneity for vice. The man of false pleasures failed to see who she truly is.

Unlike him, her wise potency enabled her to see the beauty behind masquerades. For a moment, mystery mesmerized her.

The man of false pleasures exploited his heavenly charm to haunt Diabolique. Unaware that her existence is not to be possessed. In a manner of numbers, he was significantly older, yet unaged. She was young beauty with an ancient soul. In a manner of speaking, she owned wisdom to be educated, for him to learn that life pleasures made him nothing but a prisoner in disguise.

He thought she is subject to be changed, he thought his glamor would enchain her, would forbid her from dancing lonesome in the cold streets of their distorted city. He was too arrogant to realize that she can’t be tamed. She is Diabolique heart and soul.

With a grin, she looked into his deep eyes and whispered “Darling free spirits are not meant to be tamed. I control my existence.”

To be continued……

Unknown Artist

Unknown Artist


Sinful Virtue IV

” I chose to remain tangled.. For a while.. Because it’s me and only me who controls the complex ropes of my unconditional freedom, and no one shall take the lead.. No one. I refuse to compromise my freedom, my beliefs and above all my passion” She said with vigorous tone.. Yet a fragile soul hidden behind the dark shadows of her heart.

” You always cease to find.. or create an excuse to escape. You wear a very professional mask of strength. Don’t be frightened, it’s an enormous act, no one shall see through it, I know how weak you are because I am your male version.” Her best friend answered..

” I am not weak, I choose when to join the brutal game and when to leave, and darling I can leave anytime.. I just did” She replied..

” Diabolique…. You are weak because you vanish as soon as you start getting attached!” He replied..

“Darling I refuse to be attached to people, places, and even countries..” She responded..

“Exactly taking the risk of attachment needs power, enough strength to handle attachment and loss” He replied…

” My male version or my alter ego!”

she answered and suddenly became speechless, she knew that heartache is the only thing she can’t afford, but she also worships freedom and solitude, floating with the wind and dancing with the hurricane are the only realities that satisfies her. She is a free soul, destined to wander in the universe and explore the smallest details.

Once upon a time she gave in to love, she compromised her freedom only once.. She left scars on his soul and he left immortal questions, but as much as the questions torn her apart, and the soul ache that might be relieved with closure, she finds pleasure in the rummage journey; for it satisfies her incomplete existence.

She dances in the rain, tastes lust and sings silent. His poison haunts her, but she is free… She is Diabolique, heart and soul.

To be continued………

Diabolique.

Diabolique.


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