Tag Archives: Borderline talks

On the Borders of my Mind.

It is ironic how a slight attack could change everything. It’s uneasy to explain or make feelings coherent. After all, borderline personality disorder comes with bits and pieces from everything else. Sometimes anxiety, unexplained fears, and the worst of all DEPRESSION. BPD comes with its baggage, as if, we, humans need more burdens! The world is hard itself, surviving is an act of courage in the 21st century, what’s the point behind having unseen monster that carves out holes on our fragile existence. And no matter how much you fight, monitor those thoughts and plead….. Nothing leaves.

I remember few years ago when I took a challenging decision to quit medications, I knew its going to be uneasy ride in my emotional circus. But, today I would do it all over again, I would take the very same decisions. Because it helped me, when I browse online forums and read what people are saying about their experiences, I wonder if that could be me OR I am just another spectrum. I read words that I am completely unfamiliar with “Co-dependence, manipulation, emotional abuse” and I wonder if I have ever been like that, I wonder if my father’s death shaped the different case of borderline I came across. I isolated myself from the world and wrapped myself in darkness to be safe, I managed to learn dealing with my volatile mood. I confess I mastered manipulation, a skill I learned as a reaction to those who truly deserve it, however, at some point in my life I was done. I despised seeing myself getting dragged in the path branded by manipulation, that wasn’t me. I had to escape.

I learned to put myself in everyone’s shoes regardless, to forgive and accept an apology I will NEVER get. After all, I didn’t want to see a corrupted image of myself and use BPD as my ultimate scapegoat.

Now, I look back and process how did the past 5 years pass in an eye blink, where I am today and the price I paid…. A very expensive price and I am not sure if anything in the world is worth losing human being in the process.

I look back knowing that I am 200% stronger, capable of handling my past and controlling my demons… I know that every episode will eventually pass, every heartache will go, and while soul-ache remains; I am certain that life is bittersweet.

I wish I can simply explain everything to the people who care, but I can’t or won’t. I have to fight this battle alone, I am not used to have someone under my skin, I won’t put my guards down, or share my darkest moments. I remember a friend said that I tend to use grand wording, because my feelings are quite huge. He didn’t know that he defined me, I am larger than life.

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The journey within ‘’Peacefulness’’

Obviously, everything is connected perfectly; I have always believed that ‘’everything happens for a reason.’’ and the beautiful universe never failed me. Sometimes you look to something/someone and you get a strange feeling, you do not know whether its attraction, curiosity, happiness or just an urge to explore. Nevertheless, if you left or momentarily gave-up; you might get hit by what had caught your soul at the past, and at this exact moment you start an astonishing journey of questioning and discovery, for what has captured your soul always makes you feel peacefully energetic.

Our lives are full of tragedies more than happiness, sometimes I miss being a child when everything used to seem simple. When a story from my father was an ultimate joy, and when going to the school to see my first crash brought happiness, sitting close to him at the class was unbelievable, and the day he could not make it to the school was the end of the world. (I had a crush on a nerd though, so the end of the world was once or twice a year max. lol)

Teenage years will always be the hardest in terms of resistance (at least for me)  I believe the conflict that always exists when we are transforming from children to adults is unbearable sometimes. When a girl looks into the mirror looking for curves and when the Christmas gift is, a high heels shoes that should fit her size. However, for me, and many people like me it was much harder; maybe deeper as the eccentric persona started to come out. Let me tell you about a story that will remind many of their growing up stages, a story of bullying, misunderstand and strength. I cannot tell how many times the end of the world was pretty close (suicide) and I do not know how did I manage to come out the person I am today, well that is why (Everything happens for a reason.)

I remember when I was transferred to Middle-school my father told my mother ‘’I am worried about Rana, the school is very big and it’s full of different faces, just like a monster that will eat her.’’ Shortly, it sounded funny but eventually it was so true. When you are a different student, when people at your class do not impress you much and your rebellion attitude is totally unacceptable from both your so-called classmates and teachers. Believe me, even if you were the smartest with the highest grades, it would never help and the made-up stories will haunt you until you grow-up. However, eventually you will realize that this hurtful stupid bullying brought you where you are today, and you start enjoying every meaningless criticism that was the reason for you to discover who you  are, and above all; building your capabilities.

I have been called everything in the dictionary of 90s (from a whore to Satanist) ironically, the ‘’Satanist rumor period’’ was the time that I was trying to get close to ‘’god’’ praying everyday etc. However, I am proud that such rumors did not affect me back then, even if I ended up agnostic/spiritual etc.

I remember the end of my life was really near when my father passed away, that’s when I learned that everything that made me grief and broke me is NOTHING, I have an extraordinary father and I am using ‘’have not had’’ because I believe that he is always present, around me and through my veins. He taught me everything, he brought me colors to draw, music to listen to and he listened to me when I am singing (Madonna’s frozen to Marilyn Manson’s nobodies.) and when my mother used to shout and scream as her  teenage daughter went wild, my father was there to understand my conflicts. When he passed away the world gone vague, I have lost my best friend ever and my all-time inspiration, I have lost someone who could keep me sane with one word.. I miss my father a lot, I miss his office and I miss him screaming while studying history ‘’that is history falsification’’ I miss the political and social discussions and I believe I am incomplete without him. However, Death a part of life, actually it is the mere truth.

Later on, high school became a prison, I have always been insulted, but without complaining to my father who used to analyze issues and make it very simple, every stupid situation became completely complicated.  My mother thought the perfect solution would be moving to another school and honestly, change always helps but most importantly, is realizing that changing the surroundings would not change the past and the best solution is confronting yourself and monitoring your mistakes. Honestly, my mistake was being introverted at school and arrogant even if I did not mean it, I always considered myself better, smarter while all the rest are just a sheep conforming to stupid society. The last two years in high school turned out to be much better when I just gave in and I became brave enough to deal with everyone despite of, my eccentric and reckless behavior, discussions and explaining my beliefs made it easier even the majority who did not understand me much saw the other simple parts of me.

The college was another battle, another society well a bigger society where dealing with people is much harder but still simplicity and being myself made everything easier, while the journey of discovering myself was just starting. I dropped out of college later on ‘’I convinced myself it’s because I could not take it anymore, but today I know it’s just because my life was destined to go into a different direction, a route that I am still exploring.’’

If someone should be awarded for recklessness, then simply me. Reckless decisions, extreme reactions and reckless relationships. I do not know if it is from (Borderline personality disorder) or it is just me, but from recklessness and chaos, I deeply loved someone who happened to end up on the other part of the planet, I lived in a beautiful illusion, I was brutally hurt but eventually I became strong. Strong enough to seek for a closure to everything, strong enough to face my flaws and most importantly, strong enough to look to the bright side and to see beauty within pain. Remember the beautiful times, support, and understand why people have to walk in our lives and leave.

The journey of discovering who you are, limits and the true meaning of life is endless; limits do not exist as long as you are breaking the fabricated rules. I am still exploring myself, where I will end up, and the people who really matter and always leave impact (even by a short conversation.) some people walk in our lives while expectations and limits are priory set; but who cares while every word and minute is unique enough to bring life into our chaotic spirits.

I am still breaking the rules; I am still wasting precious opportunities (Quoting from those who surround me/the norm.) I am still reckless, unpredictable and enjoying that fact because I am learning something new every time I kill the limits. I long for the past and I smile every time I write down what I have learned. I am happily accepting my unchangeable flaws and struggling to improve the stupidity I gained from the surroundings. It aches when you realize that you lost many people who really matter, but on the contrary, a person who appears eventually can bring positive energy and makes you smile even if he/she are not around. I am thankful for being myself with all my contradictions and it saddens me how I disappointed some people unintentionally. However, I am certain that those who are meant to understand me will stand me.

For the eccentrics out there, our personal invisible battle is harder than the visible ones, sometimes it is hard to be unable to express our deep struggle especially when you lose many things in return. Nevertheless, we are destined to go through that personal war because we are strong enough to face our flaws, learn and maybe inspire someone at last.

SMILE, LOVE AND ENJOY THE JOURNEY WITHIN27297_553634984665010_3566429_n


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