Tag Archives: Borderline personality disorder

On the Borders of my Mind.

It is ironic how a slight attack could change everything. It’s uneasy to explain or make feelings coherent. After all, borderline personality disorder comes with bits and pieces from everything else. Sometimes anxiety, unexplained fears, and the worst of all DEPRESSION. BPD comes with its baggage, as if, we, humans need more burdens! The world is hard itself, surviving is an act of courage in the 21st century, what’s the point behind having unseen monster that carves out holes on our fragile existence. And no matter how much you fight, monitor those thoughts and plead….. Nothing leaves.

I remember few years ago when I took a challenging decision to quit medications, I knew its going to be uneasy ride in my emotional circus. But, today I would do it all over again, I would take the very same decisions. Because it helped me, when I browse online forums and read what people are saying about their experiences, I wonder if that could be me OR I am just another spectrum. I read words that I am completely unfamiliar with “Co-dependence, manipulation, emotional abuse” and I wonder if I have ever been like that, I wonder if my father’s death shaped the different case of borderline I came across. I isolated myself from the world and wrapped myself in darkness to be safe, I managed to learn dealing with my volatile mood. I confess I mastered manipulation, a skill I learned as a reaction to those who truly deserve it, however, at some point in my life I was done. I despised seeing myself getting dragged in the path branded by manipulation, that wasn’t me. I had to escape.

I learned to put myself in everyone’s shoes regardless, to forgive and accept an apology I will NEVER get. After all, I didn’t want to see a corrupted image of myself and use BPD as my ultimate scapegoat.

Now, I look back and process how did the past 5 years pass in an eye blink, where I am today and the price I paid…. A very expensive price and I am not sure if anything in the world is worth losing human being in the process.

I look back knowing that I am 200% stronger, capable of handling my past and controlling my demons… I know that every episode will eventually pass, every heartache will go, and while soul-ache remains; I am certain that life is bittersweet.

I wish I can simply explain everything to the people who care, but I can’t or won’t. I have to fight this battle alone, I am not used to have someone under my skin, I won’t put my guards down, or share my darkest moments. I remember a friend said that I tend to use grand wording, because my feelings are quite huge. He didn’t know that he defined me, I am larger than life.

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Unknown artist


50 Shades to Escape….

While some might think that this is an attempt to justify my escape syndrome, I came to write a personal manifesto.. A statement for all of us who are tired of explaining the do’s and don’t’s.. The reasons and justifications of running away.

When I was 14 years old, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and without going further with the null description. Let me state an intense symptom that we all “humans” experience by different levels – FEAR OF LOSS/ABANDONMENT. Who dares NOT to say that somewhere on the back of our mind we are scared of losing those very few persons we cherish, we love and constantly long for.. Believe it or not we “women” do experiment and exercise the worst fear episodes, even we were too independent and too tough to admit it. Having mentioned the first layer of running away, lets get the challenge started!

Why do I run away? Why do we run away?

1- We are scared of LOSS, this feeling of losing someone by any mean is unbearable. It’s too aching that war and destruction might feel easier. Because we hate this tears that refuse to come out of our eyes every night. Because some of us might not have the luxury of being exposed for a moment and life forces us to be strong and stand still regardless.

2- We might project a VULNERABLE image, yet we become obsessive with details once we are one step closer to attachment  and what arrogant people might not notice that when there are ambiguous question marks, and fishy actions. We might seek an authentic answer but once things become much unexplained… We simply bounce back.

3- Being CLOSE but not TOO CLOSE, some people demand everything at once, they want you to be there, and they push you to surrender in their battlefield. Yes, LOVE worth it, however, there is a fine line between love and infatuation that people fail to see. So darlings don’t blame yourself of being suffocated by the amount of possessiveness because real love is passion, not obsession.

4- MASKS, I always spoke of hypocrisy… Having said that, I have to confess that we all wear masks in many situations, but it differs from one person to another. I believe I might be competent to speak on behalf of women out there, most of the time it’s not masks, it is just SHIELDS. Because we are destined to protect ourselves from everything and everyone on daily basis. From a society that is not accepting how we are becoming, from traditions that categorized us as HOUSEWIVES and only housewives. From men who get angry by our success and independence. From men who get either turned on OR turned off by our strength. On the other hand, most of the men I met wear mask to IMPRESS, to PRETEND, and to POSSES. Unfortunately, they are unaware that women are gifted of figuring them out in less than 60 seconds. While some choose to stay, people like myself just leave, because I would appreciate honesty and compensate but I will never tolerate falling for a false persona.

5- OVERACTING… OVEREVERYTHING… Again we humans do overact one way or another, but come on! overacting over a spontaneous action that was perceived as “flirt” in your patriarchal dictionary?! against being authentic, breathing life, and getting lost in colors.. Too much of everything is skeptical at some point. Especially when it’s too early.

6- DISHONESTY, yes a single lie could ruin a great image, a projection of Mr. right would be transformed to Mr. what’s wrong?! OR what’s not wrong?! I am personally ALLERGIC to lies, and unfortunately I choose to be patient for a while, because first I am not perfect, I am much of eccentric, and second sometimes I take that as an insecure phase, the insecurities that society raised in all of us that somehow enforces people to lie. Yet, when lying breaks through your masks, because dishonesty is your daily due. I have to leave because I will never be able to do something about it.

7- DENIAL, and its global… We are either denying our own personal dilemmas or they are denying clear facts. Denial could indeed ruin a potential relationship, project, and even self-confrontation. It takes hell lot of strength and sanity to face our worst demons. Subsequently, since many of us have mastered the art of BRUTAL HONESTY and CONFRONTATION, we become pretty much sensitive to constant denial.

8- MANIPULATION, the worst fact about manipulation that many people may do that unintentionally, unfortunately, it might be derived from denial and insecurities. For some, it is also a pleasure, but beware sweethearts, because people like me will intentionally FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT right before leaving.

9- UNDERESTIMATION, while some of us might put a clear disclaimer on the very first date/discussion/conversation etc. to highlight inevitable facts, in hopes of working something out. Some people underestimate the reaction, and how would you snap intensely to the things you fucking mentioned at the very beginning. Ironically, they become surprised.. it is like DID YOU REALLY TAKE ME FOR GRANTED?! I am sorry to disappoint you.. Farewell.

10- MISINTERPRETATION, When they mistake your spontaneity for vice, your transparency for opacity, your lack of interest for hidden interest, your passion for potential possessiveness. This is when there is no way but leaving, because they obviously fell for what they want you to be, not who you really are.

               Enjoy who you truly are. Don’t be scared to put down your shield and take risks, when you ache, praise being alive. When you love, don’t regret the consequences regardless. Dance in the streets and breath in the universal music, taste the rain and LOVE YOURSELF even more. For life is precious and bittersweet. 

My dedication for those who will read my piece today is: Bittersweet symphony by the verve.

To be continued……………..

Unknown Artist.

Unknown Artist.


Confessions_ The new!

Haven’t been able to write for quite sometime, here I am trying to make the conflict in my mind sound coherent. Due to unfortunate sequence of unrelated irrelevant events, my mind, body and soul transferred into a numb state. I can never guarantee happiness or satisfaction out of my continuous efforts to write-photograph- paint as if my body is revolting against me. To be honest, If I was my body, I would have revolted long time ago. For a borderline like me, I live in a continuous mental roller-coaster; I learnt to accept my eternal struggle and admire the beauty of being super moody. However, with BPD prices and sacrifices are due.

I have always pretended to be quite humble, and I wore a mask of insecurity, regardless, my real insecurities are craved within and one person miles and miles away had deeply understood (which translates my unfinished attachment to a teenage dream)

Frankly, I admire myself and everything I am, for my chaos made me distinct, stubborn and hungry for more knowledge, and through my continuous journey of diving through my existence, with brutal honesty I unintentionally hurt people that join my path momentarily. Quoting from a dear old friend and potential muse (Your honesty scares them off, especially when everyone around is pretending). Ironically, he was shattered with my brutal honesty someday,and I was crowned the queen of pushing away unconditional butterflies.

Last but not least, I am aware of my extreme insanity, narcissism and chaotic existence. Regardless, I am simply a human, why so serious!

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Photo-illustration by Andree Kahlmorgan


Living at the Borders of my mind ( About my BPD experience)

‘’ Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.’’ U.S. National Library of Medicine.

.The question is: why am I bringing this up? Why am I writing about my personal chaotic misfortune in my public blog? I believe I am tired of trying to explain myself especially because it does not help. I lack emotional intelligence, I create obstacles, it is very hard for other people to understand this amount of complications, and honestly, I feel sorry for those who try to understand; because it took me years to figure out who I really am.  Regardless of all what I just mentioned people have to understand that prejudice hurts and never helps. I have learned that psychological struggle is not different from physical one. On the contrary, sometimes-psychological disorders are much harder because it cuts us into pieces and the real amount of pain is invisible.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder during teenage period after the death of my father. However, my mother believes that the symptoms were clear during my childhood but my father  did not accept the idea of psychotherapy. I still remember the stages of facing that dilemma, first stage is denial ‘’ I am not sick, I might be little different but I am perfectly normal’’ actually this stage lasted for 5 years.  5 years of psychotherapy while I am not even convinced I am sick, during this period I was doing my best not to face the reality of  my disorder. Second stage is losing control (with losing control I do not mean suicidal attempts because suicide will always be a seductive tendency that haunts borderlines’) by losing control here I mean rebellion over the surroundings and realities, against conforming, and an immortal emotional struggle . I decided to face my biggest flaw and I went online reading everything I could read about BPD, checking all the cases and communities; and my final decision was to cut off medications and to stop visiting the psychiatrist.

After taking medications for years, I found out that medications are simply meant to limit creativity, if the only purpose is to calm down the emotional conflict then if you are an artist be ready to limit your imagination and stand still like a statue watching  emptiness.  After passing the nervous breakdown period, I decided to be optimistic. Actually, I wanted to change the world, make a huge influence so I can inspire everyone with BPD; Of course, until now I did not achieve that, COME ON with borderline, seasonal depression and being an idealist, along with the Egyptian unfinished revolution Are you kidding me? Make a change!!! I barely survived the violent events and nightmares are still haunting me.

Third stage (My current stage) is simply coping and accepting my flaws, it is not easy at all but giving in can help sometimes, I believe that BPD is a bless Regardless of the continuous chaotic struggle, it brings out the artistic side and the invisible talent.

A personal war is extremely familiar for BPD’s, and as it could not get any better growing up in Egypt a country that is known for multiple standards adds another battle. Social battle for being different, social battle for miscommunication and personal battle because of Idealistic person who struggles for justice that will never be accomplished (at least for the next decades).

Finally yet importantly, let me explain how it to live with Borderline personality disorder:

  • When everything you say sounds so complex yet so simple.
  • Miscommunication when you push those who matters away, because you’d rather be alone than fighting your own demons ‘’Abandonment, rejection etc.’’
  • Addiction whether its substance abuse or emotional addiction
  • When a decision you take makes you feel comfortable at a specific moment although it’s perfectly self-destructive
  • Black and White, Black and White, Black and White, Black and White.. The world for us is Black and White, we do not have grey areas; that’s why we hardly conform
  • When you enjoy recklessness, adrenaline and you take uncommon decisions
  • When adventures makes you happy and simplicity equals emptiness
  • When you runaway while you are longing for someone
  • Oversensitivity?! I believe over sensitivity is simply awareness but in the modern empty world sympathy and over awareness are too sensitive for the so-called humans
  •  Chaotic relationships that does not make any sense (But don’t we enjoy taking the risk).
  • When your brain is working for 24/7 without caffeine
  • Mood swings without a clear reason for emotional shifts
  • Narcissism: sometimes it’s quite hard to face our flaws But we have to!
  • Mere contradiction

The previous points might sound scary to the majority, some people will wonder why am I bringing up such issue and whether I did this to push anyone away?!  Well today, I am not pushing anyone away. Nevertheless, I am actually trying to explain my contradictions, chaos and personal battle.  Every day is a hard battle, between coping with my mood swings, monitoring my thoughts, improving my behavior or just explaining myself, and for such struggle I learned to put myself on others shoes because you will never know what conflict is happening inside everyone. The feeling of emptiness literally kills me; the worst feeling ever is to be partially dead and draw a big smile on your face.

I learned to give-up on many things,  I live without emotional stability (partially living), routine brings out the  worst in me and I hate to face my demons…. I long for many things but I have to survive, I learned that it is better to be self-destructive than hurting another people on the way…

I am thankful for everything I am, and I believe those who are meant to stand my heavy package will remain or appear in my colorful life.

For those who do not have personality disorders, please be thankful for simplicity.

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