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The Fading Art of Revolution

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale

“Breathe in life and breathe out distortion. Breathe out violence, blood, and pain. Breathe out flashbacks that are prone to destroy you.” I whisper to myself as I struggle to move from bed.

7 years have passed in an eye blink, however, I can no longer touch the euphoria I once intertwined with in Tahrir square. Those who struggle with depression are aware of dissociation. You space out suddenly, abandon your body, and get lost in time and space. Similar to an unpleasant astral projection experience.

I never thought that I would crave dissociating from the revolution! I wonder if I can hew my heart and my brain, and scrap those memories.

My body was once full of beautiful paintings of the Egyptian revolution. When the revolution failed, I thought it’s easy to scrap these paintings and turn my body into a clear canvas for new events that may come, a day of liberation when once again, I would summon hope. However, who am I fooling? Those memories, like blood, are dancing in my veins, I would eliminate my skin and they will remain to define everything I am.

What have we done? How dare we think of coloring the future? What was the spell that blinded us?

I can no longer remember the spirit, I can’t draw those sincere grins anymore. The faces of the knights are fading, the millions in the streets are turning into Silhouettes, and I am unable to hear those melodic chants… All that remains are corpses, bloodshed, funerals and solid faces of troops.

Blood, scars, screams, tear gas, screams again and again and again.

I torture myself, I overthink and overanalyze, I wonder why did I take off to the streets. I keep wondering if we, too have blood on our hands. Did we incite HOPE? Did we create an illusion? Is it the biggest humane victory or mistake? I am losing my mind, I am fighting with beasts. I hope I can cut my chest wide open and squeeze the heart that refuses to quit aching. However, even if I did, memories still run through my veins. Silent screams are eating me alive.

                                            Is there a place to buy their mundane?

Can I forge reality?

He threatens and says ” What happened 7 years ago, will never happen again.” with his brutal voice he says “I won’t allow it” My naive mind wonders if he knows what came upon us? Does he realize the scars you caused? Does he understand what we have witnessed?

Our dreams refuse to crossover. Our hopes are stabbing us, they refuse to leave, they refuse to quit. We are old weary souls stuck in youthful bodies. We are defeated but the voice of the revolution lingers on.

 

I look at you, Orion and I wonder if I am strong enough, I am deeply sorry, I wish I was born somewhere else. I wish you didn’t have to carry my pain. And even though I choose to fight this alone, my ultimate desire is not to have to fight at first place. I will be forever sorry for charming you with Egypt. I should have told you that this charm comes with a price. I should have screamed that loving Egypt is both, bliss and curse. I think of the day I will tell my daughter about the lost revolution and I pray to have the strength and reclaim the beautiful paintings that once colored Tahrir Square.

– I close my eyes, I hold your hand and pray for a wind of change –

Inhale..

Exhale..

Inhale..

Exhale…

“Beathe in Hope, breathe out grief. Breathe in victory, breathe out defeat.”

The Revolution Continues.

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Letter for Depression

Dear Depression, I want to take this opportunity and thank you for being generous enough and giving me back my ability to write. I am aware that you understand that writing equates oxygen for me. I hope my words would convey my senses, I neither solicit mercy nor sympathy; my words are nothing but a reflection of the circus inside.

I like to picture you with awe, I don’t imagine you as a monster or a “black dog” as they describe you. On the contrary, I picture you as a beautiful entity that is overwhelmed with senses. I know your seasonal visit has no cruel intentions, I am aware that you carry nothing but scars of a conspicuous past. I am thankful that you are eager to remind me of my scars to learn and thrive.

However, while I always welcomed your visits through the darkest times and let you in with open arms – I just can not understand why would you visit me in the most beautiful period of my life?! For several years, I have adopted masks, masks that would protect me and walls that would secure my fragile being, only recently I have learned to stand with nothing but an armor of flesh.

I thought that my soul was murdered long ago, nevertheless, there was always an ounce of hope lingering between ashes and tears. One night, the light turned out to be real, HOPE was not a phantasm but a reality that worth every ache. I am no longer tinctured with the past or the present. 

And for that, I ask you why?

Why do you haunt me with equivocality?

Why do you hew my soul?

Why do you urge me to escape life? I respect and appreciate death but I refuse to bring it uninvited.

Why do you distort my self-image?

Why do you refuse to let me be?

I am not asking you to leave but I am asking you to intertwine with my reality and breathe in colors which portray who I really am. Your darkness is beautiful so, please join me.

Depression, here I am evincing my misfortunes and not blaming you, on the contrary, I kindly ask you to understand. For my life is not mine anymore and I refuse to abandon felicity out of fear. I refuse to hurt the one I Love, I refuse to give up and I refuse to be nothing but the strong person I am.

I am not a victim nor a quitter and I will not fight with you because you are part of me. My soul is made of melodies and silver linings – all the rest is noise.

Dear Depression, please be kind.

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Art by Domen Lo


What if?

Life is beautiful in every way. Only when we get to experience pain – we taste the euphoria of the few blissful moments. I have been a believer that everything is connected for a long time, however, getting to experience that firsthand in overwhelming – Gigantic.

Sometimes I wonder how do I still manage to value life. After all, I used to struggle with the idea of taking my life since I was a child… this life to be precise – and dive into a new world of possibilities, discoveries, and answers.  I always ask myself where does this strength come from?! Lately, I discovered it is faith. Not faith in an entity, religion or a human being. It is much bigger than this, I am not sure my human vocabulary can describe this but for now, I would say the universe.

I learned that our demons accompany us, you can never really defeat them but you can accept them, give into your past and let go. Accept what happened and what will happen in this journey called – life. Afterall, demons are nothing but voices from the past that once called for help, scared of the unknown, scared from every new page, scared that the new skin would be hewed over and over again.

I discovered that pain is not hard as joy when you survive in a world of distortion, it is very hard almost impossible to accept a new chapter of happiness, simplicity, and bliss. Be wary of fooling yourself, be wary of being too locked in pain that you miss the taste of happiness. Accept that life is a series of evolutions and only a few manage to pass every stage and fell their existence with peacefulness and serenity.

Sometimes fighting your demons takes nothing but holding your demons close and as you tear-up, you hear yourself whispering “I know”. The beauty of life is not only bliss, the beauty of life is everything. The colors of joy, the melodies of pain and sensations of fear. They all intertwine to create a bigger, fresh meaning.

If you are lost, pained or paralyzed, remember that life is BEAUTIFUL. It just takes some time to unfold your eyes and witness the beauty.

artist-Catrin-Welz-Stein-5

Artwork by Catrin Welz-Stein


WHO AM I?

What is the purpose of our existence if we can’t be true to ourselves?! Are we created to be made – or just to be?

The answers have always been simple, it’s the quest that determines our strength and persistence. It takes courage to remain loyal to yourself and avoid man-made distortions. Living in the Middle-east is uneasy and being a female who happened to be different makes it worse. Choosing to be true to yourself is SUICIDAL.

Over time everything changes. You get to learn that traditions are volatile. Self-discovery is essential, challenging society and questioning dogma are the noblest acts. Nevertheless, it is not an easy journey. The cattle will stand out to you, vilify and attack you. They will delude you to believe that there is no choice and that we are merely owned.  The path to enlightenment is loaded with thorns, but what is bliss if not for the struggle.

We rant and whine “Life is cruel” but life has disowned us long ago. Life is not to blame, it’s what we made out of life.

They established laws to mold societies and shape future. It is your choice, will you lose yourself to conformity or seize your liberty?

Limits are an illusion, our strength is infinite and freedom lies in resistance.

Don’t respect the status quo.

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Artwork by unknown artist.


PARADOX

I love full moon nights. I believe that myths about werewolves, witches, vampires, and whatever is connected to full moon have origins. When I was a child, I used to leave my  bed and wander in the balcony, longing to catch proof; an ounce of spark that would satisfy my vivid – almost realistic imagination. Ironically, I was a very skeptical child, I questioned anything and everything, too curious that I forced my parents to answer my questions bluntly & avoid me. However, when it comes to myths, what’s far and beyond the invisible, I was welling to reach horizon for facts. I never questioned that reality, I was just seeking origins.

I remember every-time I traveled with my family, I would sneak at nights, run to the beach and stare at the waves until sunrise. That’s only when I felt/feel alive. Something about the unknown attracts me, like unearthly magnet. I wonder if my humble existence is naturally attracted to this miraculous force – opposites attract anyway BUT not everyone is enchanted by that.

Now, as I am an official adult, I remain longing for the other realms. However, I discovered that on this insignificant chaotic planet there are also magical forces – invisible, terrifying, bittersweet, strong yet vulnerable….. Forces that can give you everything and take them back in an eye blink. Moments are the absolute definition of PARADOX, they could be boring, draining, long OR magical, short and euphoric. Sometimes I wonder if time travel or dancing through dimensions actually happens during these moments!

I feel that when time and love collide, the human definition of time becomes irrelevant. We simply transcend during few seconds that all the surroundings start to vanish smoothly until everything is blurred yet beautiful, a state of art where feelings takes a physical form and colors are felt not only seen. Time is no longer relevant, you think ten seconds pass in hours and days are not enough..

Exploring our Five senses become addictive, we want to try everything all over again. However, everything is new… Senses change to a spontaneous  uncontrollable power. Mind, body and soul unite and transforms to a new fresh being…

Restrictions, moral codes, man-made traditions vanishes in the process.

Full moon nights are indeed mythical – in my reality, masquerades fell, I got lost in time and space, and the unsaid erupted like rainbows.

That moment we were magic.

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Diabolique Chronicles – The Art of Being Me

You don’t know me – a statement that should be remembered over and over again, for ego blinds intuition and lust haunts your passion…

Liberty is what defines me, I remain a body seeking to intertwine with its soul, lost in my vision and aiming to reach horizon.

Love equates complexity, for giving in is almost impossible and mistaken compromise with submission blocks me. How can a she wolf turns submissive.

Passion might be my ultimate gift for you until you take it for granted – I disappear, for I am the girl who longs for solitude and loses herself in serenity.

Don’t count on nostalgia, for my black box of memories is occupied with one star, a star that went apart long ago, but it remains craved in my heart and soul.

Beware from oblivion, for I have mastered the art of Oblivion.

Angelique (Angelic)  I am with all my body, mind and soul BUT Diabolique (Diabolic)  remains accompanying me, I am the extreme double faces, and when you provoke the borders of my mind, I flip.

Don’t be blinded by your strong masquerade, for the rebel could see through you, embraced and accepted you, and as you ceased to chain her.. She escaped and will continue haunting you.

I lied there charmed momentarily –  my mistaken love…

Unjust_Freedom_by_Faei

Unjust Freedom by Faei


The Art of Letting Go!

My Godmother told me “I keep the good and try to forget the bad”.. She triggered intense memories in an eye blink, and as soon as I opened up, she quoted from her Grandfather, one of the most profound and intense words I ever came across…

“DON’T CONFUSE START LIGHT WITH STREET LIGHT”

I have been trying to master the art of letting go for over 10 years, and I have got to say it neither voluble nor sensible. it is a combination of holding onto the beauty of passion, the unforgotten irresolute memories, the awakening touch AND futile reality.. It’s a contradict, yet mastering THE ART OF LETTING GO is a beautiful paradox.

It’s about letting go of possibilities and holding onto memories. Facing yourself with a sad grin and screaming out “They are not here anymore and I SHOULD MOVE ON

In my life, I was lucky enough to encounter two stars…

THE FIRST STAR is my father, the one who ignited everything I am today. I was blessed to have a father like him, a rare soul and very unique person, too unique to be found in Middle Eastern societies. He taught me everything, how to communicate with universe, how to cherish the short moments, how to write, paint and smile and above all HOW TO READ LIFE, HOW TO BECOME WHO I AM, AND HOW TO STICK TO MY MORALS. I lost him when I was 14, and I went through a series of misfortunes, terrifying moments that are still unspoken. Believe it or not, I was damned for years in the circle of possibilities, the lack of reaching out to the world because he was my only mean to see everything clearly, he was my ultimate heavenly gift.

THE SECOND STAR I would call OBSCURE not for what he is, but for how we crossed each other’s’ path. It was that very moment when everything sounds like a miracle, when time, place and space vanished for us to meet. Regardless of distance, man-made differences, fears and insecurities – he reached out for my soul when all what they saw was my body, he made me transparent when I was made of MASQUERADES. He loved who I am, what I am and how I will be… How I become today. Ironically, I paid a very expensive price to reach where I am today and to witness my dreams coming true in an eye blink. I lost him for me to learn HOW TO LET GO. TO BECOME WHO I AM TODAY. The person he always believed in, when I was too blinded and couldn’t identify my value. They say that soul mates are meant to open doors in our lives, but not to stay with us. If that’s true, then I experiences a miracle. I am lucky.

ON YOUR EFFORTS OF LETTING GO remember two highly important things, don’t compare and remember that stars are incomparable…. GIVE UP possibilities.

Don’t be ashamed of NOSTALGIA, don’t be afraid to run onto your SHIELD OF MEMORIES whenever you are close to surrender. For it keeps you strong and urges you to continue.

Don’t LISTEN to people who keep saying over and over again MOVE ON, you have to move on by yourself and as hard as this might be, no one can help you out and you will always listen to your soul. Just be ready and remember that you are BLESSED for encountering stars.

LET GO of possibilities, it is intense, hard, aching and almost unbearable. However, for a moment take a breath and give in to life. be certain that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON and what’s meant to be will be.

ACCEPT YOUR TENDANCIES and praise them, we are meant to struggle and when you are saddened and hurt, remember that you are ALIVE.

HOLD ONTO life, love and hope. You are capable of loving still, as long as you breathe, you can love, don’t block your passion. I learned it the hard way, but I did.. I put my shields down and regardless of anything, I encountered precious moments.

DANCE, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SENSE THE FRESH BREEZE  whenever you are about to fall on your knees, YOU ARE ALIVE.

NO REGRETS, don’t ever regret of having faith in a false person, remember their few sincere moments and if they had none. Be certain that people get to our lives for a reason, an experience to make us stronger… Maybe to support you to give in… If they were pretentious, you were authentic and YOU ARE THE PRIORITY. 

PRAISE CIRCUMSTANCES and cherish passion.

Last but not least, LETTING GO IS NOT TO FORGOT. it is to remember and cherish deep memories and smile. TO BE FREE.

Art By Emma Fay

Art By Emma Fay


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