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WHO AM I?

What is the purpose of our existence if we can’t be true to ourselves?! Are we created to be made – or just to be?

The answers have always been simple, it’s the quest that determines our strength and persistence. It takes courage to remain loyal to yourself and avoid man-made distortions. Living in the Middle-east is uneasy and being a female who happened to be different makes it worse. Choosing to be true to yourself is SUICIDAL.

Over time everything changes. You get to learn that traditions are volatile. Self-discovery is essential, challenging society and questioning dogma are the noblest acts. Nevertheless, it is not an easy journey. The cattle will stand out to you, vilify and attack you. They will delude you to believe that there is no choice and that we are merely owned.  The path to enlightenment is loaded with thorns, but what is bliss if not for the struggle.

We rant and whine “Life is cruel” but life has disowned us long ago. Life is not to blame, it’s what we made out of life.

They established laws to mold societies and shape future. It is your choice, will you lose yourself to conformity or seize your liberty?

Limits are an illusion, our strength is infinite and freedom lies in resistance.

Don’t respect the status quo.

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Artwork by unknown artist.


Perfect

The past made you lost in space

You wanted me present

You wanted me gone

You pierced me to your shield

You left alone

 

And I fight my demons and whisper

It’s perfect love

And I lay with demons and Whisper

It’s perfect love

 

Carve your pain onto my heart

I am made of poison

Nothing will hurt

I may cry but you are blind

 

And I fight my demons and whisper

It’s perfect love

And I lay with demons and Whisper

It’s perfect love

And I smash like stars and whisper

I am perfect love

And with a grin, I whisper

I am perfect love

burning_love_by_pixelnase


Confessions_ The new!

Haven’t been able to write for quite sometime, here I am trying to make the conflict in my mind sound coherent. Due to unfortunate sequence of unrelated irrelevant events, my mind, body and soul transferred into a numb state. I can never guarantee happiness or satisfaction out of my continuous efforts to write-photograph- paint as if my body is revolting against me. To be honest, If I was my body, I would have revolted long time ago. For a borderline like me, I live in a continuous mental roller-coaster; I learnt to accept my eternal struggle and admire the beauty of being super moody. However, with BPD prices and sacrifices are due.

I have always pretended to be quite humble, and I wore a mask of insecurity, regardless, my real insecurities are craved within and one person miles and miles away had deeply understood (which translates my unfinished attachment to a teenage dream)

Frankly, I admire myself and everything I am, for my chaos made me distinct, stubborn and hungry for more knowledge, and through my continuous journey of diving through my existence, with brutal honesty I unintentionally hurt people that join my path momentarily. Quoting from a dear old friend and potential muse (Your honesty scares them off, especially when everyone around is pretending). Ironically, he was shattered with my brutal honesty someday,and I was crowned the queen of pushing away unconditional butterflies.

Last but not least, I am aware of my extreme insanity, narcissism and chaotic existence. Regardless, I am simply a human, why so serious!

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Photo-illustration by Andree Kahlmorgan


Recipe to Smile_

‘ I am losing my mind ‘

My soul was screaming to awaken my senses as I was sitting on the boulevard at Down Town_ Cairo, after my sudden anger towards my best friend, without a significant reason.  I did not know what do I want to do, or where I want to go. I just wanted to sit on the boulevard in the middle of the crowded street staring at the horizon, and seeking a clear answer to my current unacceptable state.

It did not get any better afterwards, regardless of the effort of  my amazing friends who did their best to figure out what’s happening to me, or simply to make the big smile on my face real.

I woke up this morning trying to get myself busy with my work. I have got to confess the day passed smoothly. Few hours ago I decided to start facing myself- reacting to single voice in my mind.

 ‘ I should not end up being like this ‘

I convinced myself for quiet sometime that this depressive state is quiet normal; due to my Borderline personality disorder & the seasonal change which penetrates my mood. However, the truth is this time it’s only about me & my chaotic path.

Happiness never lasts – just like sadness, the real struggle is to balance both in order to live as life shines out of your skin,    & In order to balance I decided to create my personal recipe of happiness, and just like my favorite cocktail ‘The secret is balancing ingredients’ 

September’s life-full recipe__

  • Opening up in a way that I rarely do (As my ego holds a dagger in my face) VS. A random encounter that energizes and freshens my day.
  • Disappointment in few people as their true colors take over VS. Amazing friends that became a real family who handle everything I am.
  • Crucial judgment & lack of understand VS. A fragile special person who stands still to hold your hand
  • My mood swings which affect my work VS. After mood swings hang over that comes with creativity
  • Meaningless argue and meaningless fight VS. Cigarettes, music and fresh breeze on the highway with a great company

Eventually I realize that life is beautiful even if somehow behind the corner of my mind_ I know it might be pointless, Yet my mortal struggle is to make the upcoming years worth living. 

 

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Oblivious

Questions run through my eyes

Hard to be told as answers are denied 

Soul to be blamed for conscious dreams

For lackadaisical heart bruised of past

So close_ So distant… I lost myself in time

The words hewed what was meant to survive

 As passion is burned by their crimes

I held my strength for a single touch

And in the shadows I vent my screams

For his desert chose sole dreams

I am no Saint and I am no demon

I am made to seek my humane diamond

Without regret passion suppressed

As momentarily we are destined to bleak

Our sins and demonic greed…..

My love and passion will live in words

I will always long with no regret

As life is beautiful wherever it ends.

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January, 2013 To Do List

January, 2013 To Do List.


Lyrics

This is a part from lyrics I wrote recently, hopefully I can make a song out of this in the future.

Do not be fooled by our broken eyes

We will never quit no matter how tyrants try

Peaceful we stand

Whilst their hands are blood stained

Do not be fooled by our broken smile

we are certain, liberty will survive 

Tyrants can longer pretend

Repression will come to an end

And the people will win.


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