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Letter for Depression

Dear Depression, I want to take this opportunity and thank you for being generous enough and giving me back my ability to write. I am aware that you understand that writing equates oxygen for me. I hope my words would convey my senses, I neither solicit mercy nor sympathy; my words are nothing but a reflection of the circus inside.

I like to picture you with awe, I don’t imagine you as a monster or a “black dog” as they describe you. On the contrary, I picture you as a beautiful entity that is overwhelmed with senses. I know your seasonal visit has no cruel intentions, I am aware that you carry nothing but scars of a conspicuous past. I am thankful that you are eager to remind me of my scars to learn and thrive.

However, while I always welcomed your visits through the darkest times and let you in with open arms – I just can not understand why would you visit me in the most beautiful period of my life?! For several years, I have adopted masks, masks that would protect me and walls that would secure my fragile being, only recently I have learned to stand with nothing but an armor of flesh.

I thought that my soul was murdered long ago, nevertheless, there was always an ounce of hope lingering between ashes and tears. One night, the light turned out to be real, HOPE was not a phantasm but a reality that worth every ache. I am no longer tinctured with the past or the present. 

And for that, I ask you why?

Why do you haunt me with equivocality?

Why do you hew my soul?

Why do you urge me to escape life? I respect and appreciate death but I refuse to bring it uninvited.

Why do you distort my self-image?

Why do you refuse to let me be?

I am not asking you to leave but I am asking you to intertwine with my reality and breathe in colors which portray who I really am. Your darkness is beautiful so, please join me.

Depression, here I am evincing my misfortunes and not blaming you, on the contrary, I kindly ask you to understand. For my life is not mine anymore and I refuse to abandon felicity out of fear. I refuse to hurt the one I Love, I refuse to give up and I refuse to be nothing but the strong person I am.

I am not a victim nor a quitter and I will not fight with you because you are part of me. My soul is made of melodies and silver linings – all the rest is noise.

Dear Depression, please be kind.

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Art by Domen Lo

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What if?

Life is beautiful in every way. Only when we get to experience pain – we taste the euphoria of the few blissful moments. I have been a believer that everything is connected for a long time, however, getting to experience that firsthand in overwhelming – Gigantic.

Sometimes I wonder how do I still manage to value life. After all, I used to struggle with the idea of taking my life since I was a child… this life to be precise – and dive into a new world of possibilities, discoveries, and answers.  I always ask myself where does this strength come from?! Lately, I discovered it is faith. Not faith in an entity, religion or a human being. It is much bigger than this, I am not sure my human vocabulary can describe this but for now, I would say the universe.

I learned that our demons accompany us, you can never really defeat them but you can accept them, give into your past and let go. Accept what happened and what will happen in this journey called – life. Afterall, demons are nothing but voices from the past that once called for help, scared of the unknown, scared from every new page, scared that the new skin would be hewed over and over again.

I discovered that pain is not hard as joy when you survive in a world of distortion, it is very hard almost impossible to accept a new chapter of happiness, simplicity, and bliss. Be wary of fooling yourself, be wary of being too locked in pain that you miss the taste of happiness. Accept that life is a series of evolutions and only a few manage to pass every stage and fell their existence with peacefulness and serenity.

Sometimes fighting your demons takes nothing but holding your demons close and as you tear-up, you hear yourself whispering “I know”. The beauty of life is not only bliss, the beauty of life is everything. The colors of joy, the melodies of pain and sensations of fear. They all intertwine to create a bigger, fresh meaning.

If you are lost, pained or paralyzed, remember that life is BEAUTIFUL. It just takes some time to unfold your eyes and witness the beauty.

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Artwork by Catrin Welz-Stein


WHO AM I?

What is the purpose of our existence if we can’t be true to ourselves?! Are we created to be made – or just to be?

The answers have always been simple, it’s the quest that determines our strength and persistence. It takes courage to remain loyal to yourself and avoid man-made distortions. Living in the Middle-east is uneasy and being a female who happened to be different makes it worse. Choosing to be true to yourself is SUICIDAL.

Over time everything changes. You get to learn that traditions are volatile. Self-discovery is essential, challenging society and questioning dogma are the noblest acts. Nevertheless, it is not an easy journey. The cattle will stand out to you, vilify and attack you. They will delude you to believe that there is no choice and that we are merely owned.  The path to enlightenment is loaded with thorns, but what is bliss if not for the struggle.

We rant and whine “Life is cruel” but life has disowned us long ago. Life is not to blame, it’s what we made out of life.

They established laws to mold societies and shape future. It is your choice, will you lose yourself to conformity or seize your liberty?

Limits are an illusion, our strength is infinite and freedom lies in resistance.

Don’t respect the status quo.

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Artwork by unknown artist.


Perfect

The past made you lost in space

You wanted me present

You wanted me gone

You pierced me to your shield

You left alone

 

And I fight my demons and whisper

It’s perfect love

And I lay with demons and Whisper

It’s perfect love

 

Carve your pain onto my heart

I am made of poison

Nothing will hurt

I may cry but you are blind

 

And I fight my demons and whisper

It’s perfect love

And I lay with demons and Whisper

It’s perfect love

And I smash like stars and whisper

I am perfect love

And with a grin, I whisper

I am perfect love

burning_love_by_pixelnase


Confessions_ The new!

Haven’t been able to write for quite sometime, here I am trying to make the conflict in my mind sound coherent. Due to unfortunate sequence of unrelated irrelevant events, my mind, body and soul transferred into a numb state. I can never guarantee happiness or satisfaction out of my continuous efforts to write-photograph- paint as if my body is revolting against me. To be honest, If I was my body, I would have revolted long time ago. For a borderline like me, I live in a continuous mental roller-coaster; I learnt to accept my eternal struggle and admire the beauty of being super moody. However, with BPD prices and sacrifices are due.

I have always pretended to be quite humble, and I wore a mask of insecurity, regardless, my real insecurities are craved within and one person miles and miles away had deeply understood (which translates my unfinished attachment to a teenage dream)

Frankly, I admire myself and everything I am, for my chaos made me distinct, stubborn and hungry for more knowledge, and through my continuous journey of diving through my existence, with brutal honesty I unintentionally hurt people that join my path momentarily. Quoting from a dear old friend and potential muse (Your honesty scares them off, especially when everyone around is pretending). Ironically, he was shattered with my brutal honesty someday,and I was crowned the queen of pushing away unconditional butterflies.

Last but not least, I am aware of my extreme insanity, narcissism and chaotic existence. Regardless, I am simply a human, why so serious!

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Photo-illustration by Andree Kahlmorgan


Recipe to Smile_

‘ I am losing my mind ‘

My soul was screaming to awaken my senses as I was sitting on the boulevard at Down Town_ Cairo, after my sudden anger towards my best friend, without a significant reason.  I did not know what do I want to do, or where I want to go. I just wanted to sit on the boulevard in the middle of the crowded street staring at the horizon, and seeking a clear answer to my current unacceptable state.

It did not get any better afterwards, regardless of the effort of  my amazing friends who did their best to figure out what’s happening to me, or simply to make the big smile on my face real.

I woke up this morning trying to get myself busy with my work. I have got to confess the day passed smoothly. Few hours ago I decided to start facing myself- reacting to single voice in my mind.

 ‘ I should not end up being like this ‘

I convinced myself for quiet sometime that this depressive state is quiet normal; due to my Borderline personality disorder & the seasonal change which penetrates my mood. However, the truth is this time it’s only about me & my chaotic path.

Happiness never lasts – just like sadness, the real struggle is to balance both in order to live as life shines out of your skin,    & In order to balance I decided to create my personal recipe of happiness, and just like my favorite cocktail ‘The secret is balancing ingredients’ 

September’s life-full recipe__

  • Opening up in a way that I rarely do (As my ego holds a dagger in my face) VS. A random encounter that energizes and freshens my day.
  • Disappointment in few people as their true colors take over VS. Amazing friends that became a real family who handle everything I am.
  • Crucial judgment & lack of understand VS. A fragile special person who stands still to hold your hand
  • My mood swings which affect my work VS. After mood swings hang over that comes with creativity
  • Meaningless argue and meaningless fight VS. Cigarettes, music and fresh breeze on the highway with a great company

Eventually I realize that life is beautiful even if somehow behind the corner of my mind_ I know it might be pointless, Yet my mortal struggle is to make the upcoming years worth living. 

 

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Oblivious

Questions run through my eyes

Hard to be told as answers are denied 

Soul to be blamed for conscious dreams

For lackadaisical heart bruised of past

So close_ So distant… I lost myself in time

The words hewed what was meant to survive

 As passion is burned by their crimes

I held my strength for a single touch

And in the shadows I vent my screams

For his desert chose sole dreams

I am no Saint and I am no demon

I am made to seek my humane diamond

Without regret passion suppressed

As momentarily we are destined to bleak

Our sins and demonic greed…..

My love and passion will live in words

I will always long with no regret

As life is beautiful wherever it ends.

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