Category Archives: Thoughts

Letter for Depression

Dear Depression, I want to take this opportunity and thank you for being generous enough and giving me back my ability to write. I am aware that you understand that writing equates oxygen for me. I hope my words would convey my senses, I neither solicit mercy nor sympathy; my words are nothing but a reflection of the circus inside.

I like to picture you with awe, I don’t imagine you as a monster or a “black dog” as they describe you. On the contrary, I picture you as a beautiful entity that is overwhelmed with senses. I know your seasonal visit has no cruel intentions, I am aware that you carry nothing but scars of a conspicuous past. I am thankful that you are eager to remind me of my scars to learn and thrive.

However, while I always welcomed your visits through the darkest times and let you in with open arms – I just can not understand why would you visit me in the most beautiful period of my life?! For several years, I have adopted masks, masks that would protect me and walls that would secure my fragile being, only recently I have learned to stand with nothing but an armor of flesh.

I thought that my soul was murdered long ago, nevertheless, there was always an ounce of hope lingering between ashes and tears. One night, the light turned out to be real, HOPE was not a phantasm but a reality that worth every ache. I am no longer tinctured with the past or the present. 

And for that, I ask you why?

Why do you haunt me with equivocality?

Why do you hew my soul?

Why do you urge me to escape life? I respect and appreciate death but I refuse to bring it uninvited.

Why do you distort my self-image?

Why do you refuse to let me be?

I am not asking you to leave but I am asking you to intertwine with my reality and breathe in colors which portray who I really am. Your darkness is beautiful so, please join me.

Depression, here I am evincing my misfortunes and not blaming you, on the contrary, I kindly ask you to understand. For my life is not mine anymore and I refuse to abandon felicity out of fear. I refuse to hurt the one I Love, I refuse to give up and I refuse to be nothing but the strong person I am.

I am not a victim nor a quitter and I will not fight with you because you are part of me. My soul is made of melodies and silver linings – all the rest is noise.

Dear Depression, please be kind.

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Art by Domen Lo

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Perfect

The past made you lost in space

You wanted me present

You wanted me gone

You pierced me to your shield

You left alone

 

And I fight my demons and whisper

It’s perfect love

And I lay with demons and Whisper

It’s perfect love

 

Carve your pain onto my heart

I am made of poison

Nothing will hurt

I may cry but you are blind

 

And I fight my demons and whisper

It’s perfect love

And I lay with demons and Whisper

It’s perfect love

And I smash like stars and whisper

I am perfect love

And with a grin, I whisper

I am perfect love

burning_love_by_pixelnase


PARADOX

I love full moon nights. I believe that myths about werewolves, witches, vampires, and whatever is connected to full moon have origins. When I was a child, I used to leave my  bed and wander in the balcony, longing to catch proof; an ounce of spark that would satisfy my vivid – almost realistic imagination. Ironically, I was a very skeptical child, I questioned anything and everything, too curious that I forced my parents to answer my questions bluntly & avoid me. However, when it comes to myths, what’s far and beyond the invisible, I was welling to reach horizon for facts. I never questioned that reality, I was just seeking origins.

I remember every-time I traveled with my family, I would sneak at nights, run to the beach and stare at the waves until sunrise. That’s only when I felt/feel alive. Something about the unknown attracts me, like unearthly magnet. I wonder if my humble existence is naturally attracted to this miraculous force – opposites attract anyway BUT not everyone is enchanted by that.

Now, as I am an official adult, I remain longing for the other realms. However, I discovered that on this insignificant chaotic planet there are also magical forces – invisible, terrifying, bittersweet, strong yet vulnerable….. Forces that can give you everything and take them back in an eye blink. Moments are the absolute definition of PARADOX, they could be boring, draining, long OR magical, short and euphoric. Sometimes I wonder if time travel or dancing through dimensions actually happens during these moments!

I feel that when time and love collide, the human definition of time becomes irrelevant. We simply transcend during few seconds that all the surroundings start to vanish smoothly until everything is blurred yet beautiful, a state of art where feelings takes a physical form and colors are felt not only seen. Time is no longer relevant, you think ten seconds pass in hours and days are not enough..

Exploring our Five senses become addictive, we want to try everything all over again. However, everything is new… Senses change to a spontaneous  uncontrollable power. Mind, body and soul unite and transforms to a new fresh being…

Restrictions, moral codes, man-made traditions vanishes in the process.

Full moon nights are indeed mythical – in my reality, masquerades fell, I got lost in time and space, and the unsaid erupted like rainbows.

That moment we were magic.

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On the Borders of my Mind.

It is ironic how a slight attack could change everything. It’s uneasy to explain or make feelings coherent. After all, borderline personality disorder comes with bits and pieces from everything else. Sometimes anxiety, unexplained fears, and the worst of all DEPRESSION. BPD comes with its baggage, as if, we, humans need more burdens! The world is hard itself, surviving is an act of courage in the 21st century, what’s the point behind having unseen monster that carves out holes on our fragile existence. And no matter how much you fight, monitor those thoughts and plead….. Nothing leaves.

I remember few years ago when I took a challenging decision to quit medications, I knew its going to be uneasy ride in my emotional circus. But, today I would do it all over again, I would take the very same decisions. Because it helped me, when I browse online forums and read what people are saying about their experiences, I wonder if that could be me OR I am just another spectrum. I read words that I am completely unfamiliar with “Co-dependence, manipulation, emotional abuse” and I wonder if I have ever been like that, I wonder if my father’s death shaped the different case of borderline I came across. I isolated myself from the world and wrapped myself in darkness to be safe, I managed to learn dealing with my volatile mood. I confess I mastered manipulation, a skill I learned as a reaction to those who truly deserve it, however, at some point in my life I was done. I despised seeing myself getting dragged in the path branded by manipulation, that wasn’t me. I had to escape.

I learned to put myself in everyone’s shoes regardless, to forgive and accept an apology I will NEVER get. After all, I didn’t want to see a corrupted image of myself and use BPD as my ultimate scapegoat.

Now, I look back and process how did the past 5 years pass in an eye blink, where I am today and the price I paid…. A very expensive price and I am not sure if anything in the world is worth losing human being in the process.

I look back knowing that I am 200% stronger, capable of handling my past and controlling my demons… I know that every episode will eventually pass, every heartache will go, and while soul-ache remains; I am certain that life is bittersweet.

I wish I can simply explain everything to the people who care, but I can’t or won’t. I have to fight this battle alone, I am not used to have someone under my skin, I won’t put my guards down, or share my darkest moments. I remember a friend said that I tend to use grand wording, because my feelings are quite huge. He didn’t know that he defined me, I am larger than life.

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Unknown artist


Melodies of myself…

– I still remember that day when words remained unsaid, when soul-aches pushed me apart like tornado, when my life changed and the roller-coaster ceased to define me. But I am fine… I can still swing in my personal opera, paint smiles out of sea waves, dance naked under the cold rain and breathe in silver moonlights.

Thoughts are like snakes tangling everything I am.  Reality is intertwined with fantasy. I can no longer recognize myself or my dreams or what I am longing for…. I am lifeless, numb and ruined. Feelings are so huge that I am unable to create a coherent statement or explain how I feel.  I wonder if tomorrow I can just vanish, disappear in existence like a forgotten feather that once witnessed remarkable moments and history through its flying journey.

But I am alive… I am alive even if surviving murders every ounce of my existence, I am alive even if memories are collection of razor blades torn my emotions, bleed and dance in my chaotic mind… my mind … my bitter sweet circus.

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Silhouette Dreams

Once upon a time in a silhouette reams

There was a girl dressed in fears

With eyes of a tiger

And heart of a fighter

She deceived the monsters disguised with dreams

Once upon a time in a silhouette cart

There was a girl with glass-shaped heart

With chocolate skin from silk

And piercing gaze paints kink

She escaped from monsters with angel parts

Once upon a time they thought they knew

The innocence inside colored.. yet hewed

She didn’t cease to rectify

What’s more than meet the eye

For her silhouette dreams

Rescued her from lies…..

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The Art of Letting Go!

My Godmother told me “I keep the good and try to forget the bad”.. She triggered intense memories in an eye blink, and as soon as I opened up, she quoted from her Grandfather, one of the most profound and intense words I ever came across…

“DON’T CONFUSE START LIGHT WITH STREET LIGHT”

I have been trying to master the art of letting go for over 10 years, and I have got to say it neither voluble nor sensible. it is a combination of holding onto the beauty of passion, the unforgotten irresolute memories, the awakening touch AND futile reality.. It’s a contradict, yet mastering THE ART OF LETTING GO is a beautiful paradox.

It’s about letting go of possibilities and holding onto memories. Facing yourself with a sad grin and screaming out “They are not here anymore and I SHOULD MOVE ON

In my life, I was lucky enough to encounter two stars…

THE FIRST STAR is my father, the one who ignited everything I am today. I was blessed to have a father like him, a rare soul and very unique person, too unique to be found in Middle Eastern societies. He taught me everything, how to communicate with universe, how to cherish the short moments, how to write, paint and smile and above all HOW TO READ LIFE, HOW TO BECOME WHO I AM, AND HOW TO STICK TO MY MORALS. I lost him when I was 14, and I went through a series of misfortunes, terrifying moments that are still unspoken. Believe it or not, I was damned for years in the circle of possibilities, the lack of reaching out to the world because he was my only mean to see everything clearly, he was my ultimate heavenly gift.

THE SECOND STAR I would call OBSCURE not for what he is, but for how we crossed each other’s’ path. It was that very moment when everything sounds like a miracle, when time, place and space vanished for us to meet. Regardless of distance, man-made differences, fears and insecurities – he reached out for my soul when all what they saw was my body, he made me transparent when I was made of MASQUERADES. He loved who I am, what I am and how I will be… How I become today. Ironically, I paid a very expensive price to reach where I am today and to witness my dreams coming true in an eye blink. I lost him for me to learn HOW TO LET GO. TO BECOME WHO I AM TODAY. The person he always believed in, when I was too blinded and couldn’t identify my value. They say that soul mates are meant to open doors in our lives, but not to stay with us. If that’s true, then I experiences a miracle. I am lucky.

ON YOUR EFFORTS OF LETTING GO remember two highly important things, don’t compare and remember that stars are incomparable…. GIVE UP possibilities.

Don’t be ashamed of NOSTALGIA, don’t be afraid to run onto your SHIELD OF MEMORIES whenever you are close to surrender. For it keeps you strong and urges you to continue.

Don’t LISTEN to people who keep saying over and over again MOVE ON, you have to move on by yourself and as hard as this might be, no one can help you out and you will always listen to your soul. Just be ready and remember that you are BLESSED for encountering stars.

LET GO of possibilities, it is intense, hard, aching and almost unbearable. However, for a moment take a breath and give in to life. be certain that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON and what’s meant to be will be.

ACCEPT YOUR TENDANCIES and praise them, we are meant to struggle and when you are saddened and hurt, remember that you are ALIVE.

HOLD ONTO life, love and hope. You are capable of loving still, as long as you breathe, you can love, don’t block your passion. I learned it the hard way, but I did.. I put my shields down and regardless of anything, I encountered precious moments.

DANCE, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SENSE THE FRESH BREEZE  whenever you are about to fall on your knees, YOU ARE ALIVE.

NO REGRETS, don’t ever regret of having faith in a false person, remember their few sincere moments and if they had none. Be certain that people get to our lives for a reason, an experience to make us stronger… Maybe to support you to give in… If they were pretentious, you were authentic and YOU ARE THE PRIORITY. 

PRAISE CIRCUMSTANCES and cherish passion.

Last but not least, LETTING GO IS NOT TO FORGOT. it is to remember and cherish deep memories and smile. TO BE FREE.

Art By Emma Fay

Art By Emma Fay


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