Category Archives: Surreal

Melodies of myself…

– I still remember that day when words remained unsaid, when soul-aches pushed me apart like tornado, when my life changed and the roller-coaster ceased to define me. But I am fine… I can still swing in my personal opera, paint smiles out of sea waves, dance naked under the cold rain and breathe in silver moonlights.

Thoughts are like snakes tangling everything I am.  Reality is intertwined with fantasy. I can no longer recognize myself or my dreams or what I am longing for…. I am lifeless, numb and ruined. Feelings are so huge that I am unable to create a coherent statement or explain how I feel.  I wonder if tomorrow I can just vanish, disappear in existence like a forgotten feather that once witnessed remarkable moments and history through its flying journey.

But I am alive… I am alive even if surviving murders every ounce of my existence, I am alive even if memories are collection of razor blades torn my emotions, bleed and dance in my chaotic mind… my mind … my bitter sweet circus.

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Silhouette Dreams

Once upon a time in a silhouette reams

There was a girl dressed in fears

With eyes of a tiger

And heart of a fighter

She deceived the monsters disguised with dreams

Once upon a time in a silhouette cart

There was a girl with glass-shaped heart

With chocolate skin from silk

And piercing gaze paints kink

She escaped from monsters with angel parts

Once upon a time they thought they knew

The innocence inside colored.. yet hewed

She didn’t cease to rectify

What’s more than meet the eye

For her silhouette dreams

Rescued her from lies…..

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Made in Egypt

I wanted to call my piece “born in Egypt” but I found “made in Egypt” more appropriate, eventually in this country we are more of “made” NOT “born”; born suggests living with free will and free will is the mother of sins where I come from.

Usually I end every year with positive thoughts and bright new year resolution, but who am I fooling, we all survive here with a manual of terms and conditions…. and once you decide to oppose the herd, you become a misfit like me.

Let me introduce the external shell, on a professional level I am doing pretty well and thankfully, my lifetime war with family and society ended up with victory. But the price of where I am and who I am was/remains unbearable, for I decided to be my true self and speak out loud in a country that despises freedom, let alone a woman who speaks of freedom.

I am angry.

I am full of rage, I can no longer handle the way this society perceives me. I am tired of explaining and expressing that I might be human after all. I am severely sick from hearing “Rana, regardless of your eccentricity and odd thoughts, you are good – genuine -trustworthy and supportive.” these statements don’t make me feel proud, it suffocates me, it’s like a razor blade piercing each and every ounce of hope that I create from shattered pieces to hold on, survive…. Breathe.

I am dissapointed

Once upon a time there was a revolution, we all had hope, we live in an utopic delusion – we sensed euphoria and we failed to understand that it’s just momentarily.

Our hopes and dreams faded because of everything we failed to understand. Not only an oppressive rooted regime – but our corrupt morals, fragile ethics and HYPOCRISY.

How did we manage to fool ourselves? Change? Freedom? Are you kidding me? How could we expect change when we barley face ourselves with our misfortunes. When we breath hypocrisy, when we betray everyone even ourselves on daily bases?

How could you speak of freedom when you still believe that atheists, agnostics etc. should be sentenced to death? What part of the word “freedom” allows you to harass me just because I am different, how could you speak of human rights when you insult, hurt, mislead dozens of people for nothing other than personal reason rooted in your distort mind.

How am I writing all of this while I hurt many people along the way due to the circus in my mind and the traumas I can’t defeat yet. I might have not hurt anyone “intentionally” but I did by every mean during the war with myself. I am as corrupt…

I am numb

I have lost touch with my feelings, 2015 is such an enlightenment. I got to see the raw ugly image of my society, my people… I wonder why am I surprised? Am I that naive?

However, being numb is pretty useful my friends. I don’t get shocked from daily sexual and verbal harassment anymore, I just live with it – After all, I am an Egyptian pierced and tattooed, I am definitely asking for it, if I was a foreigner then I wouldn’t be asking for this but being Egyptian and different equates and invitation for everyone to occupy my body or at least pierce my brain… What’s the big deal anyway?

Someone told me few days ago that I “escape” from my emotions and I runaway from feelings… Seriously! Why is it hard to absorb my numbness… Live with it, I am not there….

If you live in a country where people resist Police and military abuse and torture but they don’t have the guts to speak of domestic violence and child abuse. What change are you expecting?

If you live in a country where many people would fight sexual harassment but wouldn’t dare to open topics like incest and parental abuse. How can we forge change?

If we live in a country where people still consider parenthood as a sacred institution and domestic violence is god given right, how the fuck will we change anything?

If we are living in a country where men are granted to fool around and cheat while women would be tortured to death in the name of honor. Will we ever witness critical change?

Bottom line

“There can’t be large scale revolution until there’s a revolution on an individual level”

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Diabolique Chronicles – The tale of “us”

“You better quit your disguised trials, for she will hurt you and she won’t compromise”

She, Diabolique is the ultimate magnet to your kind, she loves it, longs for it and seduces inferno out of it..

Dear Masquerade,

I named you masquerade because it is everything you are. I can not undress you nor reveal you. It is who you are and what you were made of.

I WILL NOT FALL.

But I will bruise you, destroy your colorless defenses and cover your truth with your man made lies.

I WILL NOT RETURN

But I will haunt you, taste you and abandon you. For your lies are sweet and your authenticity is unreal.

I DO WHAT I DO

To have you, leave you, have you and escape. For we are, storms not to unite, but to destroy.

NOSTALGIA

For me you will remain nostalgic, for you I will remain elastic.

WHAT HAVE I DONE

Leave you with a false goodbye, a false promise of future encounter.

THE END

Remains unwritten, undecided and unplanned. Nevertheless, beware another chance is damned.

FAREWELL

Former addiction, false love..

Photography by Coke Wisdom

Photography by Coke Wisdom


Diabolique Chronicles II ..

Mogwai – Take me somewhere nice….

3 YEARS AGO….

Berry…

Morning routine, writing side by side..

One of her freaks calls, he laughs, video record her blushing face, unaware that she blushes from diving onto his eyes, isolated from the words said over the phone.

A friend surprises from another continent for one day – Morning routine plus one, she pretends to enjoy the surprise, the unexpected gesture, just to avoid falling.. Yet, she remains looking at him.

Hard confession.

Hands in pockets, avoiding a slight touch… Conflict..

Long walks, the Jewish temple.. Lost in art.. Lost in each other.

Tough flu… Long sick beautiful night flavored with soup….

Tango OR Kizomba…

Violence, clashes, birthday girl – time stops.. 12 am.. Berry intertwines.. inferno….Magic…

Heliopolis – in the middle of a protest, arguing, disconnected and lost in his eyes. Murdering passion…

Isolation, escape, illusion and one night, intertwine… In the middle of the street after midnight, soul burns with passion, lips longing to devour but she leaves..

Mind burns, soul and heart aches -She does not want to lost this, better secure distance..

Another evening, Berries… Pretends to be distant momentarily and again lips intertwine, souls devour each other… Time stops.. They became one…

But who can overcome fate… ambiguous events, rants… 3 years later, she remains clueless, longing for answers and giving up on fixing…

3 years later, when Angelique turns to Diabolique… Filled her days with muse and colors, until one day, she realizes that dates are marked by his existence and separation – disconnection..

If you only know that its untrue….

Birthday is marked with numbness, questions and craving…

Edward Hopper

                                            Edward Hopper


Unspoken

With his gauzy smile and vigorous eyes

Wandering earth with no disguise

Doubtless of his path

For chaos has no chance……

Strolling vivid nights alone

Careless of what was gone

Scatters reality as she gazes

For life’s but no mazes…..

But cosmos have a plot

Their encounter is paradox

And as winds smoothly flow

Souls intertwine for the lost vow……

Precious, Precious

Our time is righteously wrong

Sounds are melancholic and lone

Perhaps our existence ignites passion

A tempest lost – long forgotten

Beautiful winters we longed for

Warm bosom – far away….known

Swaying together far from hay

To an honest harbor

We are living in a heavenly dream

Too right.. yet, unreal

What is that work of art?

When we align as shattered stars

Utterly united

Surrendering and collided

Dangerously beautiful

Even if apart.

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Blindfolded

Intro

An ambiguous presence,  intricate not to be abandoned.. She struggles to escape – he grabs her senses… She takes a deep breath, shivering and muddled. Once again; she seizes to run – but she is detained within his ropes. 

She is able to leave – but somewhere inside, she does not want to leave. His alluring existence; is her undeniable addiction.

Ironically, for him she is complex layers. For a moment she surrenders, but the next move is dim.. vague and borderline.

She smelled his chaotic thoughts as she surrenders, he was blinded by submission and intense passion. She is aware that love won’t save them, she is aware that it is merely short chapter.

She closed her eyes to reality, blindfolded from her reason, her ego… She gave in to passion, fragile futurity and love… Love that is for him equates possession, and obsession.

To be continued…

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