Category Archives: social

WHO AM I?

What is the purpose of our existence if we can’t be true to ourselves?! Are we created to be made – or just to be?

The answers have always been simple, it’s the quest that determines our strength and persistence. It takes courage to remain loyal to yourself and avoid man-made distortions. Living in the Middle-east is uneasy and being a female who happened to be different makes it worse. Choosing to be true to yourself is SUICIDAL.

Over time everything changes. You get to learn that traditions are volatile. Self-discovery is essential, challenging society and questioning dogma are the noblest acts. Nevertheless, it is not an easy journey. The cattle will stand out to you, vilify and attack you. They will delude you to believe that there is no choice and that we are merely owned.  The path to enlightenment is loaded with thorns, but what is bliss if not for the struggle.

We rant and whine “Life is cruel” but life has disowned us long ago. Life is not to blame, it’s what we made out of life.

They established laws to mold societies and shape future. It is your choice, will you lose yourself to conformity or seize your liberty?

Limits are an illusion, our strength is infinite and freedom lies in resistance.

Don’t respect the status quo.

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Artwork by unknown artist.

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Endless signs you are a righteous hypocrite

Responding to an article published by a so-called women magazine, whose editor apparently approved a piece that is mainly based on sexism, discrimination and lack of integrity.

The web magazine reminded me of the tabloids, which generate rumors and scandals to attract readers. Having said that, I am aware that by sharing this article and criticizing we are increasing the the web traffic, however, there should be response to this shameful rhetoric bullshit. The majority should not accept nor approve this cheap material. Not to mention, that posting a so-called article without mentioning the writer’s name is enough to show the true color of him/her.

1- Speaking of women exposing their curves and slut shamming them, How about men who enjoy exposing their well shaped bodies, and pose with their six packs, not to mention pictures with their boxers or a certain “I am super hot” guy on the beach attitude. Of course it’s acceptable yet, women posing or doing whatever is considered a “slut” aka “shemal”

(Please note that I am not criticizing any behavior whether it’s men or women, everyone has the ultimate freedom to do whatever please them, but we have got to point out the double standards epidemic).

2- When someone writes (I don’t care what people say about me, I am what I am) and justifying that people open their mouth because of her slutty behavior aka (alshemal) while giving the almighty solution of  get well behaved aka (lemmy nafsek shewaya). Haven’t you ever noticed that people who open their mouth (Most likely  you are one of them) keep it open regardless 🙂

Yet, let me get this straight,  the difference between someone who speaks out loud and says to hell with everything I am what I am, and someone who hides whatever he/she are doing, which is against our false traditions is that (Some people are true to themselves and real, others prefer to wear that mask and conform to society, although both of them might be going to the same places, having the same drinks and doing the same exact actions).

3- What’s with girlfriends cursing each other (as if you men don’t speak the same language, and even in public with your voices out loud) Did you really call a girl slut (shemal) for having the same language that men use.

4- Having too many male friends doesn’t make a woman slut, how about guys (swingers) who have million female friends, and ironically they are almost an icon for fellow men, did you ever call them man-whores. Of course not (because in our society, they are granted to do whatever they want but we women should be covered and ashamed)

5- I don’t really understand what’s super touchy with male friends refer to, if she is super touchy and they are fine with it, why are you so concerned!

6- Having one night stands with random people (I believe according to what was written, its one night stands with men, which means they both agree on that terms) Why did you make it sound as its a women thing ONLY!

7- Always horny, are you serious! How did the writer know, and in that case I advise you to make some psychological researches about sex addiction (which is applied to both men and women) and the high rates of sexual harassment and rape in our society are reported from women, as far as I know there are no harassment or rape incidents that were reported by men means that, Darling women don’t harass nor rape men, its the opposite.

8- When a girl gets drunk or dance on bars, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she is getting your majestic attention, she is just having fun. However, speaking of this I personally saw men harassment cases that are justified by them being drunk. Give me a break!

9- The so-called writer claimed that (The body language says it all) is there such slutty body language? slut is a word that is used to degrade women who are doing the same behaviors that men are granted to do, as simple as that.

10- According to so-called writer, if I found the article offensive then I am a slut (Shemal) well I don’t like the article, its offensive, it’s low, it’s shameful and ridiculous. If people find the article disgusting, it does not necessarily mean they are following the slut manual you created, there is something called personal rights, privacy, freedom of expression. FUCKING FREEDOM, and there is also SEXISM, DISCRIMINATION, and PATRIARCHY which is greatly exposed in that article. Spreading this bullshit is the main reason for women abuse.

Freedom is a personal choice, and you are also free to criticize and to point out your rejection, you are free not to get involved in any action that is against your believes, and as long as personal choices don’t interfere with yours, you don’t have any right to force anyone to follow your standards.

To be continued

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The journey within ‘’Peacefulness’’

Obviously, everything is connected perfectly; I have always believed that ‘’everything happens for a reason.’’ and the beautiful universe never failed me. Sometimes you look to something/someone and you get a strange feeling, you do not know whether its attraction, curiosity, happiness or just an urge to explore. Nevertheless, if you left or momentarily gave-up; you might get hit by what had caught your soul at the past, and at this exact moment you start an astonishing journey of questioning and discovery, for what has captured your soul always makes you feel peacefully energetic.

Our lives are full of tragedies more than happiness, sometimes I miss being a child when everything used to seem simple. When a story from my father was an ultimate joy, and when going to the school to see my first crash brought happiness, sitting close to him at the class was unbelievable, and the day he could not make it to the school was the end of the world. (I had a crush on a nerd though, so the end of the world was once or twice a year max. lol)

Teenage years will always be the hardest in terms of resistance (at least for me)  I believe the conflict that always exists when we are transforming from children to adults is unbearable sometimes. When a girl looks into the mirror looking for curves and when the Christmas gift is, a high heels shoes that should fit her size. However, for me, and many people like me it was much harder; maybe deeper as the eccentric persona started to come out. Let me tell you about a story that will remind many of their growing up stages, a story of bullying, misunderstand and strength. I cannot tell how many times the end of the world was pretty close (suicide) and I do not know how did I manage to come out the person I am today, well that is why (Everything happens for a reason.)

I remember when I was transferred to Middle-school my father told my mother ‘’I am worried about Rana, the school is very big and it’s full of different faces, just like a monster that will eat her.’’ Shortly, it sounded funny but eventually it was so true. When you are a different student, when people at your class do not impress you much and your rebellion attitude is totally unacceptable from both your so-called classmates and teachers. Believe me, even if you were the smartest with the highest grades, it would never help and the made-up stories will haunt you until you grow-up. However, eventually you will realize that this hurtful stupid bullying brought you where you are today, and you start enjoying every meaningless criticism that was the reason for you to discover who you  are, and above all; building your capabilities.

I have been called everything in the dictionary of 90s (from a whore to Satanist) ironically, the ‘’Satanist rumor period’’ was the time that I was trying to get close to ‘’god’’ praying everyday etc. However, I am proud that such rumors did not affect me back then, even if I ended up agnostic/spiritual etc.

I remember the end of my life was really near when my father passed away, that’s when I learned that everything that made me grief and broke me is NOTHING, I have an extraordinary father and I am using ‘’have not had’’ because I believe that he is always present, around me and through my veins. He taught me everything, he brought me colors to draw, music to listen to and he listened to me when I am singing (Madonna’s frozen to Marilyn Manson’s nobodies.) and when my mother used to shout and scream as her  teenage daughter went wild, my father was there to understand my conflicts. When he passed away the world gone vague, I have lost my best friend ever and my all-time inspiration, I have lost someone who could keep me sane with one word.. I miss my father a lot, I miss his office and I miss him screaming while studying history ‘’that is history falsification’’ I miss the political and social discussions and I believe I am incomplete without him. However, Death a part of life, actually it is the mere truth.

Later on, high school became a prison, I have always been insulted, but without complaining to my father who used to analyze issues and make it very simple, every stupid situation became completely complicated.  My mother thought the perfect solution would be moving to another school and honestly, change always helps but most importantly, is realizing that changing the surroundings would not change the past and the best solution is confronting yourself and monitoring your mistakes. Honestly, my mistake was being introverted at school and arrogant even if I did not mean it, I always considered myself better, smarter while all the rest are just a sheep conforming to stupid society. The last two years in high school turned out to be much better when I just gave in and I became brave enough to deal with everyone despite of, my eccentric and reckless behavior, discussions and explaining my beliefs made it easier even the majority who did not understand me much saw the other simple parts of me.

The college was another battle, another society well a bigger society where dealing with people is much harder but still simplicity and being myself made everything easier, while the journey of discovering myself was just starting. I dropped out of college later on ‘’I convinced myself it’s because I could not take it anymore, but today I know it’s just because my life was destined to go into a different direction, a route that I am still exploring.’’

If someone should be awarded for recklessness, then simply me. Reckless decisions, extreme reactions and reckless relationships. I do not know if it is from (Borderline personality disorder) or it is just me, but from recklessness and chaos, I deeply loved someone who happened to end up on the other part of the planet, I lived in a beautiful illusion, I was brutally hurt but eventually I became strong. Strong enough to seek for a closure to everything, strong enough to face my flaws and most importantly, strong enough to look to the bright side and to see beauty within pain. Remember the beautiful times, support, and understand why people have to walk in our lives and leave.

The journey of discovering who you are, limits and the true meaning of life is endless; limits do not exist as long as you are breaking the fabricated rules. I am still exploring myself, where I will end up, and the people who really matter and always leave impact (even by a short conversation.) some people walk in our lives while expectations and limits are priory set; but who cares while every word and minute is unique enough to bring life into our chaotic spirits.

I am still breaking the rules; I am still wasting precious opportunities (Quoting from those who surround me/the norm.) I am still reckless, unpredictable and enjoying that fact because I am learning something new every time I kill the limits. I long for the past and I smile every time I write down what I have learned. I am happily accepting my unchangeable flaws and struggling to improve the stupidity I gained from the surroundings. It aches when you realize that you lost many people who really matter, but on the contrary, a person who appears eventually can bring positive energy and makes you smile even if he/she are not around. I am thankful for being myself with all my contradictions and it saddens me how I disappointed some people unintentionally. However, I am certain that those who are meant to understand me will stand me.

For the eccentrics out there, our personal invisible battle is harder than the visible ones, sometimes it is hard to be unable to express our deep struggle especially when you lose many things in return. Nevertheless, we are destined to go through that personal war because we are strong enough to face our flaws, learn and maybe inspire someone at last.

SMILE, LOVE AND ENJOY THE JOURNEY WITHIN27297_553634984665010_3566429_n


The hypocritical prostitution.

Mood: Angry

Listening to: Joan Jett-Bad Reputation

If there could be a word to describe my current state, it would be complete disgust. I am completely sick from society. Yes, I am Egyptian, I took a part in the revolution; and I admit the majority are complete hypocrites. No wonder why Egypt is going backwards before/after the revolution. I cannot help but being very angry, because every day the degraded situation reminds me of the way people gave-up everything for a so-called stability. However, stability does not only include money and life style; actually, stability in Egypt is everything accompanies negativity.

Recently religion is  far from its true purpose, and please away from” my personal beliefs.” I guess Religion is meant for purification, a guide in life and thanking god through worshiping rituals. However, in Egypt/Mideast its quiet different Religion is used to judge, control, not only political control (that is new trend.) But also, in social level; from school to family. How many times did your parents use religious verses in order to scare you? How many times we were told to obey our parents’ orders with no argument because ‘’God said so!’’?  How much were you deprived from ‘’freedom of choice’’ and ‘’freedom of speech’’ under the name of ‘’obeying your parents equals obeying God’’?

I remember that the previous questions has countless answers, and I remember that the ‘’don’t argue quote’’ did nothing but making me much stubborn, it took me long time to figure out who I really am; and it’s not an easy choice when you choose to be yourself regardless of the out-come. Nevertheless, the rules and speeches I heard while growing up did not make any damn sense. Actually, hypocrisy caught my attention and I figured out later that ‘’hypocrisy leads to virtue in the modern society.’’ In Egypt and Mideast, there are various static rules, which do not make any sense:

  • A: You should come back home at 10 pm.

B: What about my brother, he stays out all night?

A: Darling he can party all night long, he is simply male.

I never understood terms of gender segregation; elders say they these rules protect girls from what so ever, but that does not make any sense. Come-on ‘’If a girl decided to do anything, she will do it!  Stupid curfews or constant control will not make any difference.

  • ”Man are free, eventually he will settle down with the pure grounded girl, who does not have any past relation-ships, a girl who is religious and strict.’’ In our society, men can fool around, have sex, get drunk and do whatever comes to their minds. However, he still has the absolute right to seek the grounded virgin; and if the girl was quiet different, his family can simply reject although, they are aware of every detail of his life, but the lame excuse is ‘’He is a man.” Nevertheless, as for us girls, we are chained with the damned girl’s reputation and all of this non-sense talk aimed to lead to Mr. Perfect.

PS. Mr. Perfect has nothing to do with female’s image of prince charming; he has to be the parent’s prince charming. In other words he has to charm the family with bank account, fancy car etc. However, the girl will have to be charmed forcibly.

The number of families in the 21st century who still believe that the only job that fits women is being a housewife, is unbelievable. I am personally annoyed from the comments I hear daily from ‘’elders’’ concerning marriage. LOL

These are just few examples concerning gender segregation. However, hypocrisy comes as a full package, when you learn how to pretend perfectly and fake who you really are, then everything becomes easier and when double-standards identifies your society, when honesty is considered as unacceptable boldness ‘’ Just because you are female.’’  I confess that wearing a headscarf, conforming and avoiding speaking out loud would make life muchhhhhhhhh easier. I should just join the hypocrisy club for free!

Eventually, it disgusts me how they use religion to justify everything including gender segregation. When some man gives you speeches about virtue although, he goes back home and watch pornography all night long, when they insult homosexuals/feminine looking man because its Forbidden ”7aram” However, they are on their way to the bar . When they criticize western life-style while they are deeply longing for it, And if they got an opportunity to travel there, of course they do and they conform perfectly;  When some ignorant men believes that being open-minded/different means you I am available!

”Apparently in Mideast Religion went commercial and became a profession.”

To be continued.


Too eccentric for our society.

        Few months ago I was walking with my friend not too far from my home trying to find a taxi in the crowded streets of Cairo.  Suddenly a group of men surrounded us making unexpected gestures and verbally harassing as usual, as soon as someone said  ”foreigners”  my friend lost her temper and yelled ”we are Egyptians.”  I looked around me and I starred at people, they were just watching, completely apathetic!  All I could do is grabbing my friend and escape before they could touch our bodies-which they certainly consider cheap.  As soon as we ran few steps away,  they threw water bottles-stones and metal canisters, and as it could not get any better a couple of cars stopped and the drivers offered a ride. However, decency was not the intention, just rude unjustified flirtation. Cab drivers refused to stop apparently, they enjoyed the scene, as if we were witches burnt alive in the Mid. Era and angry citizens enjoyed the rituals.

Finally we found a cab, and I remembered the revolution, the endless hope; Utopia that I witnessed in Tahrir square. The million marches when people fought side-by-side united and earthly lust just vanished. I wondered is it about sexual frustration, LACK OF HOPE or PATRIARCHY?!

The answer was simple it is patriarchy, a monster that survives on women’s humiliation. I do not know what happened to Egypt, I watched my family’s albums when women were respected-free and elegant, and masculinity could not infect our culture.  How did it all start ?! nations develop but Egypt went backwards…100 years backwards.

First sexual assault incident is always present, the unforgettable details, the beige pants and the white shirt I wore, the ring that became too small for my fingers ”I am growing up, I will wear high heels and I will put on lipstick very soon.” candies and chocolates that symbolized paradise.  The man who distorted my childhood, that conflict when everything falls apart and growing up became a nightmare. I did not understand why did he touch my behind, but my instincts kicked in, I was overwhelmed, and scared. I looked behind, our eyes met and with an evil grin, he starred; and the disgusting pleasure darkened his ugly face. The moment he touched me he left a scar that still bleeds, sharp blades went through my body and veins, I suffocated. Ironically, my father was right next to me, I did not speak; I just could not.

”EGYPT, BEAUTIFUL EGYPT” 
I grew up studying and learning about the culture, The lost history vs.  Modified history. I do not know how I kept my love and devotion for this country. However, running away was a mere solution once and it comes back from time to time. My parents were open-minded enough to warn me:   ”If any stranger touches you, you have got to inform us immediately.”  
The advice was a bit too late, because they did not imagine that it will happen extremely early, but it would not make any difference for an appalled child. It took me quiet long time to understand that I am not to blame, and being a female isn’t a sin.

I have learned from the novels and plays I read during growing up that the beautiful princess is always cursed but eventually, prince charming comes out of nowhere to rescue her, the truth is prince charming is such a myth. The Middle Eastern prince charming would be seeking to rescue the princess by getting into her pants and the princess is not always beautiful, she can be just vulnerable or too eccentric according to society’s beliefs, and eventually the female is always to blame.

During middle school, the head scarf trend started to spread, and I used to ask my girlfriends why did you cover your head? I have never heard a convincing answer. Actually, we were too young.. However, only one thing makes sense ‘’Protecting ourselves from harassment.’’  Ironically, the majorities in Mideast always justify and analyze sexual harassment according to the following:

  • Women are to blame, their clothes are too exposed and males cannot control their sexuality.
  • Egypt is poor country, they majority cannot afford buying a house and getting married, that is why they cannot help touching women.
  • Satellite and internet are to blame, Pornography and music videos are such a turn on, and how can they help not harassing women when they watch that every day.
  • Women must be blamed, recently they are advocating for gender equality. Why do they complain?!

When I was younger I tried to convince myself with these absurd allegations, but during my journey in exploring the world, I came up with many answers for instance:

  • When the pedophile harassed me, I was TOO YOUNG and TOO FLAT to seduce him.
  • Veiled women get harassed just like any other women, as long as you do not have penis you are a victim of pervert’s exploration.
  • Sexual harassment is universal pandemic disorder, it has nothing to do with economic conditions or sexual frustration, we are born with a free will; and my sexual harassment diary does not only include uneducated men or random guys, I believe a decent looking man with a Mercedes car can afford marriage! TRUE  STORY.
  • Technology is not exclusive for men,   guess what we have internet and satellite as well, we watch sexy men every day, and those who are not fans of pornography, watch sensual romance scenes. However, we do not go around harassing men. If I have a wish, it would be SMASHING THEIR BALLS.
  • Yes, I personally believe we are equal, and females are capable of everything. I can shave my head and join the battlefield. However, women are not seeking SEXUAL ASSAULT EQUALITY.

Growing up in a country that prevents women from freedom of expression, freedom of choice and yet blames women for getting humiliated is extremely disgusting. When religion is mistranslated, and head scarf became only a protection from sexual frustration then we do have a damned problem.

I cannot argue or even talk about religion; it is not my job. Nevertheless, on mere human basis I am completely sick of being blamed of men failures and sin addiction, I am sick of being harassed daily, and as soon as I scream and fight back, I hear humiliating comments from men and women:

            ‘’Look at the slut, with piercings and strange look, why are you screaming at him, your looks calls aloud for harassment.’’

When I hear this I have a strong feeling, an angry urge of burning everything down, I wish I can walk around with my diary, I wish I can tell every shallow human being that I actually covered my head once, yes I did!! Because some ugly stupid woman told me that, my father will be burning in hell if I did not, and I was 14 years old only!
I wonder how the hell do they decide who is going to hell and who is visiting their HEAVEN why the hell the majority now are playing god’s hand on earth!

I am a big believer and supporter of freedom personal choices, but I am not flawless and I cannot help being angry when I realize that the fake exterior figure can help sometimes, help getting away from humiliating comments, help avoiding family arguments, and a cruel society.  It is shameful realizing that being honest is actually much worse than being hypocrite covering her body. It is annoying when I see a girl holding her boyfriend in the street and they start bullying and yes I care enough to look if they are wearing rings, but they are not.. She is just wearing a headscarf.

PS. Covering up my body, does not make me safe. Nevertheless, being quiet different and unveiled  gives a stronger justification for perverts.

Yesterday I went to the ‘’women’s cabin’’ in the subway and women were fighting with a man who joined it.  I argued with him as well, as for the other women he kept saying lame excuses  ” it is empty here, I am tired from work, and didn’t they ask for  equality after the revolution’’   but his repeatable humiliating answer for me was:
‘’Someone like you should not argue, cover your head first then talk to me.’’
I answered ‘’Are you justifying your wrong action with humiliating me?.’’
He yelled ‘’ If I had a daughter like you, I would kill her, my wife and daughters are wearing Burqa.’’ AKA Niqab. .
The reasons for bringing up his so-called religious family history are still anonymous. However, I was one-step close from slapping him.

PS. I was wearing long t-shirt and sneakers, nothing to seduce that pervert!

From the few situations I mentioned earlier, I came-up with one conclusion humans fear difference as we all know, but in my society, It is quiet different, because difference does not scare them off.  However, speaking out loud and pointing to their shameful habits terrifies them. I am too eccentric because I am bold yet honest.

They reject resisting their addictive lusts, they ignore the major moral dilemma, and unfortunately  religions are distorted as it became a tool to justify their misfortunes. In Mideast, we need revolution against hypocrisy & ignorance.


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