While some might think that this is an attempt to justify my escape syndrome, I came to write a personal manifesto.. A statement for all of us who are tired of explaining the do’s and don’t’s.. The reasons and justifications of running away.
When I was 14 years old, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and without going further with the null description. Let me state an intense symptom that we all “humans” experience by different levels – FEAR OF LOSS/ABANDONMENT. Who dares NOT to say that somewhere on the back of our mind we are scared of losing those very few persons we cherish, we love and constantly long for.. Believe it or not we “women” do experiment and exercise the worst fear episodes, even we were too independent and too tough to admit it. Having mentioned the first layer of running away, lets get the challenge started!
Why do I run away? Why do we run away?
1- We are scared of LOSS, this feeling of losing someone by any mean is unbearable. It’s too aching that war and destruction might feel easier. Because we hate this tears that refuse to come out of our eyes every night. Because some of us might not have the luxury of being exposed for a moment and life forces us to be strong and stand still regardless.
2- We might project a VULNERABLE image, yet we become obsessive with details once we are one step closer to attachment and what arrogant people might not notice that when there are ambiguous question marks, and fishy actions. We might seek an authentic answer but once things become much unexplained… We simply bounce back.
3- Being CLOSE but not TOO CLOSE, some people demand everything at once, they want you to be there, and they push you to surrender in their battlefield. Yes, LOVE worth it, however, there is a fine line between love and infatuation that people fail to see. So darlings don’t blame yourself of being suffocated by the amount of possessiveness because real love is passion, not obsession.
4- MASKS, I always spoke of hypocrisy… Having said that, I have to confess that we all wear masks in many situations, but it differs from one person to another. I believe I might be competent to speak on behalf of women out there, most of the time it’s not masks, it is just SHIELDS. Because we are destined to protect ourselves from everything and everyone on daily basis. From a society that is not accepting how we are becoming, from traditions that categorized us as HOUSEWIVES and only housewives. From men who get angry by our success and independence. From men who get either turned on OR turned off by our strength. On the other hand, most of the men I met wear mask to IMPRESS, to PRETEND, and to POSSES. Unfortunately, they are unaware that women are gifted of figuring them out in less than 60 seconds. While some choose to stay, people like myself just leave, because I would appreciate honesty and compensate but I will never tolerate falling for a false persona.
5- OVERACTING… OVEREVERYTHING… Again we humans do overact one way or another, but come on! overacting over a spontaneous action that was perceived as “flirt” in your patriarchal dictionary?! against being authentic, breathing life, and getting lost in colors.. Too much of everything is skeptical at some point. Especially when it’s too early.
6- DISHONESTY, yes a single lie could ruin a great image, a projection of Mr. right would be transformed to Mr. what’s wrong?! OR what’s not wrong?! I am personally ALLERGIC to lies, and unfortunately I choose to be patient for a while, because first I am not perfect, I am much of eccentric, and second sometimes I take that as an insecure phase, the insecurities that society raised in all of us that somehow enforces people to lie. Yet, when lying breaks through your masks, because dishonesty is your daily due. I have to leave because I will never be able to do something about it.
7- DENIAL, and its global… We are either denying our own personal dilemmas or they are denying clear facts. Denial could indeed ruin a potential relationship, project, and even self-confrontation. It takes hell lot of strength and sanity to face our worst demons. Subsequently, since many of us have mastered the art of BRUTAL HONESTY and CONFRONTATION, we become pretty much sensitive to constant denial.
8- MANIPULATION, the worst fact about manipulation that many people may do that unintentionally, unfortunately, it might be derived from denial and insecurities. For some, it is also a pleasure, but beware sweethearts, because people like me will intentionally FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT right before leaving.
9- UNDERESTIMATION, while some of us might put a clear disclaimer on the very first date/discussion/conversation etc. to highlight inevitable facts, in hopes of working something out. Some people underestimate the reaction, and how would you snap intensely to the things you fucking mentioned at the very beginning. Ironically, they become surprised.. it is like DID YOU REALLY TAKE ME FOR GRANTED?! I am sorry to disappoint you.. Farewell.
10- MISINTERPRETATION, When they mistake your spontaneity for vice, your transparency for opacity, your lack of interest for hidden interest, your passion for potential possessiveness. This is when there is no way but leaving, because they obviously fell for what they want you to be, not who you really are.
Enjoy who you truly are. Don’t be scared to put down your shield and take risks, when you ache, praise being alive. When you love, don’t regret the consequences regardless. Dance in the streets and breath in the universal music, taste the rain and LOVE YOURSELF even more. For life is precious and bittersweet.
My dedication for those who will read my piece today is: Bittersweet symphony by the verve.
To be continued……………..