This is one of the few times I decide to confront myself with many issues that I choose to ignore, trying to be “positive”-trying to be the girl “I used to be”-the one who would move around making everyone smile, regardless of her own personal struggle. Honestly, at this point I could smoothly disconnect from my pain and enjoy every beautiful moment with my buddies.
Almost 4 years ago my life was completely different, quite simple. I was the same outgoing crazy eccentric girl,who was looking deeply in despair for a closure, but she could just shine and smile regardless, isolate her pain deeply, making it unseen. I went to the square and joined the crowd, I never thought that this experience would change everything I am-the way I look to humans, the way I accept universe.
My mother advised me a lot that joining the protests is not good for my mental state, not to mention being close to death.. However, I thought I am finally doing something.. I have passion for a bigger cause, as if all the personal goals were stripped out of my mind. The world finally made sense, and through all these crazy events and clashes, BLOOD AND DEATH, I finally got my closure, the questions that was graved in my heart years ago, are finally answered. Ironically, at this time it didn’t seem as important as it seemed before, seeing his face and looking into his deep blue eyes didn’t ache as I thought it would, maybe, because I was actually getting ready to go to the streets and join a protest, my mind was occupied with tear gas and live ammunition that talking to him after 2 and half years of searching in despair didn’t make any difference. Eventually, I got to answer a question he asked before “Could I make it on my own?” my answer was “Hell yes!”
Having said all of that and without digging deeper in the days of the lost revolution, this morning I found out that revolution is certainly a personal event, I am not the same person I used to be, and I truly miss that cheerful shiny girl and through my continuous trials to get her back, I end up stuck between the girl before January 25th 2011, and the girl I am today. My desires and aspirations remain the same on a personal level, but what happens everyday on a universal level makes me uncertain that anything can ever go right. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and cease every moment I had.. I wish it was easier to accept and believe that man-made traditions, religions and borders would eventually put as apart. I come to confess that your insecure dilemma is not different from mine.
To believe that being perfectionist is another mental struggle, to believe that going on and off from craziness don’t help. To accept that I will never be the same girl I used to be, and how can I after all these flashbacks of blood shed, betrayal and violence. Maybe I should let go of our secret shame, maybe I should relax and say “it’s OK” other than destroying myself. As I am writing this vague stories, I know you will only understand and relate, and we will remain silent.
“This is the end, behind the corner he is watching solely, breathing her well being like a loath of the purest oxygen. On her land she still longs for a girl she used to be, connected to their memories and lost in their presence, not only for love but for when she was truly herself.”
It’s endless secret addiction.