Letter to myself… Confessions II

Today started ‘ordinary’ with no single urge of doing anything, even work. I decided to watch a movie then maybe drawing; unfortunately I found out that I forgot my kit somewhere. As I am trying to fight my new demons that screams out ”life is pointless”.        I had a long conversation somewhere in my mind; trying to figure out who I really am.  Apparently its the remains of my egoistic rage towards September’s actions. I found out that seeking comfort comes with confronting yourself, however, we are not Saints, mistakes are meant to teach and improve us.

I have got to confess that I miss ” The old me ” when I used to be careless and spontaneous,  doing whatever I feel like doing with no further considerations. However, I am still satisfied with everything I encountered. ” Appreciate who you are and love yourself more ” I have been listening to this a lot lately, from friends who think I have gone too far recently by exposing myself to the wrong person. Nevertheless, what is life than dozens of wrong decisions that makes you everything you are..

What is love than millions of wrong choices until you fall in a chaotic place, that’s eventually meant to be your ultimate comfort zone.

What is happiness than beautiful memories that keeps us standing.

I love and appreciate everything I am, but there is a thread between self appreciation and narcissism, I am dealing with my egoistic dilemma already and I refuse to feed from narcissism.

__ And in the middle of that chaos, I discovered that I am in love with trees, I could stare at trees for hours, and paint each detail over and over again. I also found out that touching grass with my bare feet is quiet extraordinary. Eventually during my joyful lonesome I waited all day to lie on the grass, watch the stars; and listen to my favorite melodies with cig. in hand enjoying heavenly euphoric state.



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