Living at the Borders of my mind ( About my BPD experience)

‘’ Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.’’ U.S. National Library of Medicine.

.The question is: why am I bringing this up? Why am I writing about my personal chaotic misfortune in my public blog? I believe I am tired of trying to explain myself especially because it does not help. I lack emotional intelligence, I create obstacles, it is very hard for other people to understand this amount of complications, and honestly, I feel sorry for those who try to understand; because it took me years to figure out who I really am.  Regardless of all what I just mentioned people have to understand that prejudice hurts and never helps. I have learned that psychological struggle is not different from physical one. On the contrary, sometimes-psychological disorders are much harder because it cuts us into pieces and the real amount of pain is invisible.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder during teenage period after the death of my father. However, my mother believes that the symptoms were clear during my childhood but my father  did not accept the idea of psychotherapy. I still remember the stages of facing that dilemma, first stage is denial ‘’ I am not sick, I might be little different but I am perfectly normal’’ actually this stage lasted for 5 years.  5 years of psychotherapy while I am not even convinced I am sick, during this period I was doing my best not to face the reality of  my disorder. Second stage is losing control (with losing control I do not mean suicidal attempts because suicide will always be a seductive tendency that haunts borderlines’) by losing control here I mean rebellion over the surroundings and realities, against conforming, and an immortal emotional struggle . I decided to face my biggest flaw and I went online reading everything I could read about BPD, checking all the cases and communities; and my final decision was to cut off medications and to stop visiting the psychiatrist.

After taking medications for years, I found out that medications are simply meant to limit creativity, if the only purpose is to calm down the emotional conflict then if you are an artist be ready to limit your imagination and stand still like a statue watching  emptiness.  After passing the nervous breakdown period, I decided to be optimistic. Actually, I wanted to change the world, make a huge influence so I can inspire everyone with BPD; Of course, until now I did not achieve that, COME ON with borderline, seasonal depression and being an idealist, along with the Egyptian unfinished revolution Are you kidding me? Make a change!!! I barely survived the violent events and nightmares are still haunting me.

Third stage (My current stage) is simply coping and accepting my flaws, it is not easy at all but giving in can help sometimes, I believe that BPD is a bless Regardless of the continuous chaotic struggle, it brings out the artistic side and the invisible talent.

A personal war is extremely familiar for BPD’s, and as it could not get any better growing up in Egypt a country that is known for multiple standards adds another battle. Social battle for being different, social battle for miscommunication and personal battle because of Idealistic person who struggles for justice that will never be accomplished (at least for the next decades).

Finally yet importantly, let me explain how it to live with Borderline personality disorder:

  • When everything you say sounds so complex yet so simple.
  • Miscommunication when you push those who matters away, because you’d rather be alone than fighting your own demons ‘’Abandonment, rejection etc.’’
  • Addiction whether its substance abuse or emotional addiction
  • When a decision you take makes you feel comfortable at a specific moment although it’s perfectly self-destructive
  • Black and White, Black and White, Black and White, Black and White.. The world for us is Black and White, we do not have grey areas; that’s why we hardly conform
  • When you enjoy recklessness, adrenaline and you take uncommon decisions
  • When adventures makes you happy and simplicity equals emptiness
  • When you runaway while you are longing for someone
  • Oversensitivity?! I believe over sensitivity is simply awareness but in the modern empty world sympathy and over awareness are too sensitive for the so-called humans
  •  Chaotic relationships that does not make any sense (But don’t we enjoy taking the risk).
  • When your brain is working for 24/7 without caffeine
  • Mood swings without a clear reason for emotional shifts
  • Narcissism: sometimes it’s quite hard to face our flaws But we have to!
  • Mere contradiction

The previous points might sound scary to the majority, some people will wonder why am I bringing up such issue and whether I did this to push anyone away?!  Well today, I am not pushing anyone away. Nevertheless, I am actually trying to explain my contradictions, chaos and personal battle.  Every day is a hard battle, between coping with my mood swings, monitoring my thoughts, improving my behavior or just explaining myself, and for such struggle I learned to put myself on others shoes because you will never know what conflict is happening inside everyone. The feeling of emptiness literally kills me; the worst feeling ever is to be partially dead and draw a big smile on your face.

I learned to give-up on many things,  I live without emotional stability (partially living), routine brings out the  worst in me and I hate to face my demons…. I long for many things but I have to survive, I learned that it is better to be self-destructive than hurting another people on the way…

I am thankful for everything I am, and I believe those who are meant to stand my heavy package will remain or appear in my colorful life.

For those who do not have personality disorders, please be thankful for simplicity.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s