Strength VS. Denial (Between revolution and old remains) ”Friday, April 27, 2012”

        Many questions have filled my mind over the past two days, & at some point it started to sound irrelevant, I was sure I am about to be drowned into a river of my personal philosophical debates. Furthermore, a serious reconsideration will end up by self-confrontation.

 Last year had been the most difficult period in my life, not only me but also everyone who were in the middle of brutal clashes, everyone who chanted with pride & confidence ”people demand removal of the regime.” ” The military & people are one hand.”   I am one of the people who were not aware of the hardships of eliminating a military state which was established 60 years ago; & it was truly difficult to confess that February 11/2011 was nothing but a dream deferred that has not even started.

 Once upon a time, I thought that my toughest fight is being myself in a conservative society infected by double standards pandemic disease, I thought that I am an outcast. I have always been the girl with prepossessing strange appearance yet an aggressive attitude, in my beautiful country difference is likely repulsive. Nevertheless, I insisted to be myself, just myself even if I am changing every single moment. I did not expect that in the near future, I would be in the middle of brutal clashes & bloodshed; I would never believe that I would be strong enough to imprison pain & continue my fight.

 By 2011 a transformation phase started, my vision and beliefs has changed completely. I remember 28/1/2011, I remember when I saw bloodshed for the first time, I remember central security soldiers with their solid faces, protective shields & shimmering helmets; all these details will be always engraved in my heart.

 I am full of rage of those who betrayed our revolution, from those who favored parliament & personal interests over martyrs, over everyone who is ready to sacrifice their lives for Egypt. I am full of anger because Salafis who are fighting for Hazem Abu Ismael ONLY recently occupied Tahrir square! I am grieved because Ramy Hamdy my friend & every martyr sacrificed their life for ”bread, freedom & social equality.”  However, Egypt is like a tort now & flies (AKA politicians) are fighting to get the best piece. The lives of Youth are taken for granted.  The majority are certain we will never quit. we will always be in front lines unafraid, & For this reason, our lives are taken for granted while the majority are watching TV listless feeling sorry for us, justifying their lack of participation with seeking stability; and they are certain that revolutionary youth will imprison pain and join front lines.

When I met my friends recently  I observed a pale smile , gloomy state of denial, denying pain, denying fear of upcoming repression. However, it would not take long time until everyone start to face their worst fears, pain & overcome denial.

 Although, this is an extremely painful experience & it will leave scares forever, I am deeply thankful because I will never enjoy happiness, until I experience agony. I am certain that I will fight for my country, and against repression constantly, and whenever the battle becomes harder, I will know we are one-step closer to victory.


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