My father left enormous influence in me, his past memories at the detainee were always present & the last thing I remember was a conversation with my dad about his experience in detention ended with a warm hug… two days after he went into a coma & in less than two weeks I have lost my best & only true friend Dad. These memories were always the strongest flame that gives me energy during the hardest time in my life.
January 25th was such a lifetime experience, my personality changed a lot, for the first time after my father’s death I felt worthy & I could clearly see my target, what I want to achieve & I truly believe that my father was there with me. February 11th I knew what’s the meaning of happiness & victory; I knew that the next period will be hard, Egyptians will struggle BUT we are free, we are united, WE ARE INVINCIBLE & I didn’t imagine for one second that there will be clashes with the army. I knew we still have long battle with the members of the so-called national democratic party BUT NOT THE ARMY NOT THE ARMY NOT THE DAMN ARMY, apparently the military Junta were nothing but the other side of Mubarak’s regime & the military soldiers were their strongest weapon to kill the revolution ” I believe that everyone has a choice & if the soldiers were brainwashed the supposedly well-educated army officers have a choice. ”
We were attacked during the second set-in against Shafik’s government then again & again & again, until it became obvious that every demand against the personal interests of corrupted leaders–who were lucky enough to escape from punishment, leads to clashes with army,central security & thugs; Ironically the armed forces & ministry of interior became one hand against the new Egypt.
I remember after the clashes in Abbaseya I was losing control, giving up & I couldn’t stand bloodshed anymore ! A friend told me that we are expecting to lose our lives in every protest, march & set-in how the hell am I going to give-up after all that we have been through ?!! I knew why–because every single time the army attack us, every single time the soldiers look to us as we are the enemy FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME !!!
The last few month have been the most critical period in my life, I thought I got over BPD & seasonal depression but suddenly I got into the most difficult state just like the first two years after my father’s death. I felt confused, worthless, ashamed & deceived. I thought I did something, I thought I will grow up telling my grandchildren about witnessing history, building the new Egypt, All of that ended by the disastrous events at Maspero, at this point I was about to lose control, my brain was going to explode; this massacre was unexpected !!!
I couldn’t make it to the funeral & I wasn’t at Maspero I felt worthless one more time. Today my mother came back from her work telling me about the reactions of people towards this shameful massacre, as much as there is people who obviously need to understand what is really happening & others who are such a hopeless case the majority are grieved. when I saw veiled women & Christians side by side at the funeral, Muslims & Christians marching from the Cathedral to Tahrir square saying goodbye to Mina Daniel; I was filled with positive energy all over again, that’s the real Egypt, that’s our genes. Now I am certain they can take everything but they can’t imprison our unity.